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What an amazing month this has been for our adoption!! Let me begin by saying, that I'm writing this with a grateful heart because of the ups and downs we've been able to rely on God and see how much Rosi really means to us.
Rewind to right around Halloween, we were so excited to get potential travel dates to fly to Bulgaria for the first visit with our daughter. We had priced the flights, everything was looking reasonable and worked within our timeline. We were starting to make all the arrangements and each day was growing with anticipation and excitement to finally meet Rosi. Before we booked, we found out from our agency that Rosi's outlook on adoption was not positive at the time and they needed to work with her before she would feel comfortable meeting us. The travel was postponed indefinitely at that time and devastation and confusion replaced the anticipation we were filled with.
Suddenly, the light of our adoption had changed. What if the life we could provide for Rosi was not the best life for her? What if we had gone through this process feeling so sure that she was meant to be our daughter only to find out we were mistaken in the 11th hour? This was the lowest of the low either of us have felt in a year of the rollercoaster ride of adoption. We wanted to reassure her, we wanted to reach out to her, we wanted to go to her. But after the worst of the feelings had dissipated, we realized the old adage - if you love something you will let them go. Could God have used our love and loss of Rosi to propel us in a different direction?
Then some light started to shine that gave us hope. She had not yet found out about us, she just wasn't sure about leaving her Bulgarian foster home to start a new life. We made videos, we wrote letters, we bought gifts, we started to acknowledge and appreciate that Rosi could say no to us, but we were going to love her just as we'd been called to do. We couldn't give up on our daughter. Social workers and a psychologist met with her to discuss her options, and to introduce us to her through our videos and letters. Rosi's fear started to turn to curiosity. Who were these Americans who wanted to adopt her? It was decided that the best thing to do would be to Skype with Rosi and the professionals who had been working with her to make her more comfortable before we visited.
Scott and I were thrilled with the prospect of getting to see our daughter, and again our sails were filled with hope and counting the days until we would meet. Thanksgiving Day we had our call. A lot of prayers must have been said for us that day because other than a few butterflies we weren't too nervous. And Rosi....she was so excited to meet us!! I had prayed that she'd show some interest, that we'd be able to talk for a few minutes and we'd probably have to hold our breath for another week or so to hear back from the case worker.
What a relief and joy it was to see her smiling face. To experience her excitement at meeting us and to have the preconceived notions of each party fall to the wayside as we got to know eachother. The translator was fantastic and had built a great repoire with Rosi already, and soon the basic questions turned into laughter, joking, and showing her her little brothers playing with their new toys. She saw what would be her room and asked if we could go shopping. She told us that Sully was so adorable and confirmed Emerson's biggest concern - yes, she likes science too. She met the pets, and heard her Dad play guitar. She and I decided that there should always be at least a little chocolate in the house. We found out how brave our girl is. She said she is not afraid to get on an airplane for the first time, she wants to try to ride rollercoaster, she wants to go out on the boat, she wants to try pineapple on pizza :) We reassured her that we love her, we think she's so special, so beautiful, so important to us. We promised that if she wanted us to, we'd come to Bulgaria to visit her. By the end of the call we were both holding back tears of joy as we heard Rosi say that she loves us too. To say that the call went well would be a huge understatement!!!!!! Yesterday we welcomed Rosi into our home, and we saw her begin to get comfortable, to connect with each of us, and to surprise us with love in return.
We are feeling so incredibly blessed and thankful for each of the prayers that were said for us and our daughter. There is more big news on the horizon about our Both Hands project, but I will save that for another blog. For now, we're working with our agency to try to get to Bulgaria as quickly as possible, our daughter is waiting on us :)

One Month Later

Waiting is hard. And this type of waiting is the hardest I've ever experienced. I saw it on the face of another adoptive father at church, when I asked him how things were going with their adoption. He didn't have a bright and cheerful response, step they've checked off their list of to-dos, or update on their son in China. He said, "right now it's tough." I was still basking in the afterglow of our recent accomplishment in sending out the dossier. One major mountain in my book, and although I read the exasperation on his face and tried to meet it with empathy, I wasn't there yet. I still had not come to the end of myself.
Today, I had a hard time getting out of bed. It's been a month of holding my breath and willing and wishing with all of my energy for a phone call or an email saying that we've been given the official referral and are invited to Bulgaria to meet our daughter. I'm on edge and trying to remain calm and keeping my thoughts focused is tough. The phone calls and emails do come in to check on our adoption, and miraculously a lot of the money we've needed has come in too. It is burning a hole in my bank account!
Never in my life did I imagine traveling to Bulgaria, and now it's what I think about most of the time. When I am asked where we are in our adoption, I'm able to state the facts. The fact is that right now we are waiting. What I want to share too is the emotional toll that this waiting takes on a mother (and father). Several more steps must be taken for Rose to officially become our daughter. But in my mind and heart she already is. I find myself in prayer for her all the time that she will not be afraid, give up hope, and that those that are caring for her are doing the best they can. Truth be told, I miss her in this mysterious heartbreaking way even though we have yet to meet.
But in my waiting, I'm carried by the comfort of my loving Father. I'm reminded that His timing is perfect. Not late. Not annoyingly delayed. Not completely out of my control. Perfect. Yes, I am wound up, tense, anxious, and the news cannot come soon enough. But the passage of time is less devastating knowing it's part of a bigger plan. This is what I tell myself while I'm waiting and while I carry the heavy burden right now of not knowing much of anything about my daughter, I am forced to let pieces of it go. To shed the weight of my worry, to pile it onto my graceful Savior so that I can get out of bed each day even when the answer is, "right now it's tough."

One Way Ticket

A year from now our home and family will look much different. Our kids will be all under one roof and Scott and I will have several months of parenting a teenager under our belts. We will have bought a total of five airline tickets crossing continents to unite our family.  Four round trip and one one way.

The imagery of purchasing a one way ticket used to conjure up country song lyrics in my mind, or might have painted a picture of a wanderlust traveler journeying around the world. But now? Now I picture handing a one way ticket to the trembling hands of a girl and asking her to leave the only place she's ever called home. There's no safety net, no return date, and no instruction manual. We don't know what she will have to her name, very possibly nothing but the clothes on her back when she leaves her foster home for the last time. She is not a small child who will cry, tantrum, and sleep on the plane. She'll be very aware of the monumental transition that will take place in her life, and it's my delusional hope that she'll be more excited than terrified.

I hope that we can do small things to prepare her to take that step. The one that we've known about for almost a year now. The one I could not comprehend all at once. Yes, in a year from now she will have learned that we love her, and want to provide the best for her. But the first day....that first flight (maybe of her entire life) will take God's provision. I need Him for the big things. I pray for Him to support Rose in ways I won't know how to. To wrap his arms around her and comfort her if she doesn't want us to. To make a clear path before her so she won't be as afraid. Mostly, to prepare in her heart in that supernatural way He worked in ours for her to know that she was meant to be our daughter.

We still don't know most of Rose's story. I've accepted that it will take a long time to get to know her, and for her to get to know and trust us. But the thing that has kept me going up until this point is to do what I have to do for her to know about us. When we mailed our dossier, along with the largest check I've ever written in my life, it was in the hopes that she will soon be officially referred and match with Scott and I. And after all this work we've done will culminate into the one moment where a case worker speaks to Rose or her foster family, or however they'll relay to her...."You have a family. Here is a picture of them. They live in the United States. You have two younger brothers, and your Mom and Dad will be here in about a month so you can meet them."

When our daughter is "born" into our family we will be on separate timelines, in separate countries, but for the first time we'll each fall asleep that night with the knowledge of each other. We will be literally worlds apart, as our hearts unite us as family.

And my brave daughter, she'll have about a month or so to process what we've digested in 12 months. Before we show up and introduce ourselves, face to face for the first time. Fumble with language and figuring out the personal space that she'll want and how to shower her with the affection she deserves, customs, likes, dislikes, fears, joys, you name it. We have to appreciate that she has had to wait for over 3 years in a foster family, probably wondering if she'll ever be adopted. And from the time that she finds out about us until she's home with us will be a period of less than six months.

Yes, in a year from now our lives will be different. I hope I'm reminding Rose to pick her towels up off of the floor and asking her to trade one more Bulgarian word with me for an English one before she gets ready for bed. I am full of hopes for my daughter. But the biggest one right now is that when she learns about us, she will be filled with hopes too.

Go Fund Me

Just at precisely the exact moment I needed encouragement, we received a notice that someone whom we've never met donated $1000 to our campaign. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We're getting closer to moving this financial mountain!! Will you consider reading and our story or donating to our cause?

https://www.gofundme.com/hs9nyysa

Hungry

Thinking back to the times in my life I was pregnant, one thing that really stands out is the lack of sleep. An ever growing belly (occupied by one ninja and later one soccer player), back pain, vivid dreams, and middle of the night potty runs dominated my routine and I often felt TIRED. But the worst was when the baby was going through rapid growth, I'd wake up in the middle of the night starving and shuffle to the kitchen to find something to fulfill whatever craving had woken me. I couldn't always put my finger on just what it was that I wanted. Snacking on crackers or fruit would typically hold me over, but I really did not relish in the nauseating feeling of being so hungry, so empty, along with the feeling of being quite full (large and pregnant) and still longing for something that was no where to be found in my kitchen.

Fortunately those little boys who created new waking hours for me, both turned out to be pretty good sleepers. There are nights, such as this one, where I still have to wake to comfort one or both of them, chase away bad dreams, fetch a pacifier, or clean up something gross. But for the most part, I can count on a decent nights' sleep, and two pretty well-rested children in the morning. I'm so grateful that the "this too shall pass" moments of parenthood where my children or myself slept very little are really actually passing. And while there are other challenges dawning on the horizon of parenthood, I do typically sleep. Can I get a hallelujah?!?!

Looking back, I know it was God who sustained me during those periods of time as a new sleepless mom. When a two and a half hour stretch would somehow give me enough energy to take care of a willful 4 year old and a hungry infant. It took so much grace on His part to get me through those first few months! Yet, all the while, God worked to unraveled my old self, and poured into me a new kind of love. He transformed my heart into a mother's heart, bound by all of the beautiful moments He planned for us as I fell so deeply in love with my boys, and they learned to depend on me to meet their needs.

Of course I know that having Rose join our family as a 15 year old will look different. But processing that reality comes in phases. Recently, I had a moment of so much grief that it overwhelmed me. I grieve to not know Rose in the way I know my boys, I won't have held her in my arms as a tiny baby, nursed her, watch her take her first steps, listen in awe as her coos turn into words. I have missed her mischievous toddler years, her baby teeth, the chance to marvel as her sticky chubby cheeks melt away to leave her looking less like a baby and more like a young lady. Everything I know of my beloved boys, I will have missed for her. And here I am again, awake in the middle of the night with the yearning, the feeling of echoing hollowness missing something, combined with carrying the fullness of love and expectation. God has placed upon us this desire, this hunger to have Rose in our family. And as bizarre as it is to relate her adoption to a pregnancy craving...there is truth there. I so desperately want Rose to be here, although I have no idea what it will be like! I only know that I will but held over, but not be fulfilled until we meet.

During this time of waiting, I am confident that God's grace will be enough to carry us through. He has beautiful moments prepared for us, and His plan for Rose in our family will grow our love in ways I can't even imagine. He created my mother's heart, and I know He hears my prayers for Rose. I pray that all those moments we missed, sadly her entire childhood, she was loved and looked after. I pray that loving eyes met her gaze, and gentle hands cared for her. I pray that her needs were met, that no harm was done. I pray that she has happy memories, and has lived a life so far that is free from as much trauma as possible. I pray for God to sustain us both while we wait separately yet together for our next"this too shall pass".

Leftovers

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my daughter. We are once again in the midst of paperwork and forward progress now that our home study is complete and the reality that she will be in our home soon is setting in. This is both exciting and in some ways unsettling. Similar to the way I felt when our second son was on his way, I knew that life was about to change, and in a way I was so excited to meet him, but bracing myself too for bumps in the road that I knew we might face with another child under our roof.

As I packed away the leftovers from tonight's dinner, an entire serving of everything I had cooked, I was reminded again of Rose and the little that I know of her continued to replay in my head. She is 14. Her favorite subject is math. Her favorite food is pizza. When she is sad, she writes in her journal. She dreams of living in a big house with her own room painted pink. I bring up the picture of her in my mind. The sweet smile she gives when talking about her little foster brother on the minute of so we've seen of her on video. The way she thoughtfully cocks her head when asked a question. Her back straight and hands folded neatly but nervously in front of her. This is my daughter and I'm able to look at her with love already, but there is so much more under the surface of her brief report, a short video or even the feelings I can already express for her.

Since I don't know my daughter very well yet, (and I don't know myself as the mother of a daughter yet either) I spend time daydreaming scenarios that we might have together and how I can reassure her that she is loved and belongs with us. It will be scary in some ways just like having a newborn for the first time. I will desperately want to make sure I'm meeting her needs, but will have to train myself to look for cues that she's fulfilled and comforted, especially if she's not eager or able to tell me right away. But I'm hoping that our initial bonds, no matter how late they are arriving, are deep and lasting for Rose and every other member of our family.

Our boys came to know us in such a different way. My story as a Mom started biologically and my mindset still grasps that familiarity of being introduced to my children at their births. I have no idea how it will feel the first time I see Rose in person. I know I will want to wrap my arms around her and shed tears of joy like I did with my boys, but I'm not certain if she will be ready for that. She knows nothing of us now, but will soon see our picture, find out the things that we like and don't like and will be able to form an idea of who we are before we ever come in contact with her. But like me trying to figure out how to bond with a "newborn teenager", the idea she has of parents might be very vague. I don't know if she's ever been held by her biological mother, or if affection from a very new person would startle her. We will surely both be outside of our comfort zones and forming attachment in a very different way than each of us is used to.

Ultimately, I know in my heart why Rose is going to share our family and why we will be part of her story. The simplest answer is that she is a gift from God. But like most of what God does, I still cannot completely comprehend why he chose us to be the parents of this child in Bulgaria with nearly a decade and a half of history that we know nothing about. It is not the sum of the parts that we can offer Rose her own pink room, a lot of journals to write in, little brothers to play with, a family to sit and have dinner with....It's deeper and much more raw than that. Rose belongs with us, but I feel it so succinctly in very small actions. Like putting away a plate of food, I feel like it should have, no, must be, shared with this dark haired, whispy daughter of mine who lives thousands of miles away. God reminds me each day, like a brilliant ray of sunshine breaking through a cloudy overcast sky, He has a life planned for Rose and we are in it. He will help us to become the family that she needs.

We have been entrusted with a daughter to love and protect, and I know God will provide a way to do exactly as He's asked.  Already our beautiful daughter has offered us the opportunity to be good and faithful servants. To take a leap of faith and be carried by our Father. She has shown us that it is no cliche, these blessings we've been given are meant to be shared. And the way God provides and multiplies His gifts is truly an amazing process to witness. Yes, there is sorrow and loss at the heart of adoption, but each one of these orphans was so carefully made and is so deeply loved, their potential to blossom in a family waits at the thresholds of the hearts of people like you and I. The blessing is ours to receive if we open the door.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48

Track and Field

There was a time in my life when running was important to me. I was never a distance runner, endurance is not my strong suit, but for a time I was fast. I felt quick, competitive and strong when I was on the track. I didn't win a ton of races, but I ran them the best that I could. I improved my personal best running against those who were better than me. I typically competed in the 100, 200 meter dashes, and also ran relays. Occasionally I'd be put in to run the 400 which was tough for me. Some sprinters I ran with also competed in the hurdles. This was something I could never make myself do, a few times I attempted running full speed at a hurdle and instead of preparing and jumping, I would panic and slow down. I couldn't picture my short legs carrying me over that wooden obstacle before me, all I envisioned was getting tangled midair and crashing onto my face. Some girls made it look easy, they gracefully cleared each hurdle with room to spare and landed full tilt ready to approach the next one and the one after that. I'm sure by their confident strides, they weren't picturing themselves landing in a bloody embarrassing heap like I did, they knew they'd get over each hurdle.

When we first started this experience of adoption I had prepared myself for the long run. We'd have waiting to do. And since we are adopting an older child that wait time is cut short, still I've been told that a year is quick for international adoption. As I mentioned, sprinting is my forte, and even metaphorically I can get through just about any challenge with a decent amount of patience as long as I can see the finish line. Heeding the warnings that this adoption would be a "marathon" due to the time it takes to add a child to your family when everything has to be on paper, paid for and approved by two separate governments, I have been trying to mentally prepare myself to wait.

There is not just waiting though. There is certainly some hurrying involved as well. Like when it's Veteran's Day and our documents have to be notarized and I rush them into a tax prep law office since all the banks are closed. We hurry when there's signatures needed, training to sign up for, and when we're rushing to respond to each agency to make every second count so Rose doesn't have to wait in vain.

A year may be a long time to wait, but I don't agree that this experience is like a marathon. Yes, we're still near the beginning, but I'm not digging down deep to keep going or maintain a winning pace. We are still waiting on our home study to be finalized ( we are approved though, yay!! ). But until we pass that barrier, there is nothing we can do to move this forward. Like the home study approval, we are going to face numerous obstacles in adoption. It's a process with steps we still aren't 100% clear on, but we can see the finish line. We have to keep pushing on and before the next challenge comes we will undoubtedly have to work our hardest to clear it. Yes, this process takes courage, just like running hurdles. But more importantly, adoption takes faith, because before you can make yourself leap you have to trust God that He will help you land so you're not worried the entire time about falling on your face :)

Pam

Ninety-Nine and One

Tonight I was reading Emerson a Bible story before bed and it told about the parable of Jesus leaving the 99 sheep to search for the one that was lost. I had heard this story before, but of course, now everything takes on a new perspective since we are adopting. There's not a doubt in my mind that God has called us to do adopt. And of course the ultimate goal in my life is to become more like Christ, but I struggle. I struggle when I wonder what is going to happen to these other 99 "sheep" that I care for as we go to find the lost one.

Just like any other family, we have bills to pay, work to attend to, medical needs, children to raise. There are many other things on my plate, and to be honest with you, lately it's seemed pretty darn full. Many of you know that Scott travels for work. When he's out of town, I carry all of the responsibilities of looking after the kids and taking care of the house. And the travel this year has been intense. He's gone a lot. The adoption has added another layer to that with paperwork, home visits, and training hours. We're busy working to get Rose home, and prepare ourselves and our family to meet her. There are a ton of unknowns right now, and certainly more questions than answers. The paperwork comes in waves, and fortunately there's a lull, but occasionally we're drowning in it. I'm trying to learn to not fight the current, to float parallel to the shore, but it is against my planner nature. We have plans but cannot put them in stone while we wait for travel dates. And we have dreams but cannot get carried away, because oh so many doors must open and close before our daughter is home. Did I mention that we don't have the keys to some of those doors?!

We have things going on. Lots of things. And still our faith is calling us out to look for one more. Not just one more thing to fill our time, or take care of. One that BELONGS with us. As we've walked this road with Christ, sometimes we stumble. We're going to realize how far we are from home and get scared. We'll undoubtedly be overwhelmed and under prepared no matter how much we try. That soft still voice is calling us to go on this journey. We are weak and in need of guidance, and He provides it without fail. This process has been difficult at times, and we're not even to the tough part yet! BUT, I know that Rose will be a gift to our family. We are aligned and in love with her in a way that I do not fully comprehend. I know now that orphans are the ones worth seeking. Rose is our one. I'm learning that we need faith to reach her, and also faith to trust God to take care of the other sheep in our lives. Everything He has given me is part of His plan. There is depth, joy, vulnerability, grace and richness I am completely undeserving of in my 99.  My heart is filled with gratitude for the blessing this lesson has been to me and I cannot wait to rejoice with the one more to come.

What IF

Scott and I have been trying to prepare ourselves for the worst. With the excitement that comes along with having another child join our family, there is also the realization that it will be different this time. In so many ways: age, gender, experience, biology, language, culture, and the list goes on and on. We have been reading about attachment disorders, learning delays, trauma, institutionalization, abandonment, developmental delays, learning disabilities, fetal alcohol syndrome, foster care, and grief. We have been comparing and contrasting the differences between Bulgaria and the US, following boards from adoptive parents, reading blogs. There are many "what ifs" to be concerned about. There will most likely be a honeymoon period, followed by a looooong and possibly painful journey of attachment and integration. We have been preparing our hearts and minds for these things. Ready to love unconditionally, stick it out and get to the other side where things are "smooth sailing". Although I laugh even typing smooth sailing to describe parenthood. Just as one obstacle is figured out another rope slips, sail rips, or wave crashes over the bow. Little of our journey has been smooth sailing, but oh the joy that it brings! And the closer Scott and I have become since switching from partners to Captain, First Mate, and crew. Our own bio kids challenge us and delight us in ways that we were never prepared for. And while I want to have my eyes wide open and be ready to parent Rose the best we can, I need to remind myself to be patient and know that God has called her to our family for a reason. We will get through the honeymoon with smiles. We will get through the adjustment period hand in hand with tears in our eyes. We will know Rose, and love her in a unique way because God introduced us in a unique way. We will accept her if she's worse off, better off, shut down, or lashing out. We will walk beside her through her teen years doing the best we can with the little we know. We will trust God even if there's days that the bad "what ifs" add up to a whole lot of trepidation. And we will hope for the "what ifs" even if they take years to reveal themselves.

What if Rose will like to sit with me and watch girl movies when her Dad is out of town?

What if she enjoys shopping for lip gloss?

What if she sings at the top of her lungs in the car?

What if she plays with her little brothers?

What if she likes nice boys?

What if she picks pineapple for her pizza topping too?

What if she learns to love the Lord?

What if she shows us her beautiful smile every day?

What if she likes to curl up with a cat on her lap and lose herself in a book?

What if she likes to bake brownies with me?

What if she trusts us?

What if she wants to be our daughter?

What if she giggles with her cousins?
What if she leans into a hug?

What if she tries her best at school?

What if she loves us back?

We all have hopes for our kids before we even meet them. My hopes are up. My faith in God tells me that joy is coming. We will need to lean on Him, hope through Him, and fervently lift our prayers to Him. If you're reading this, please join us in praying for Rose. That she will not lose the hope that there is a family waiting to bring her home. A lot of prayers and a little hope go a long way.

Pam

Backseat Driver

Since we've made the decision to adopt, we're often asked why we are adopting, or why internationally? Scott and I fumble for answers that could sort of make sense conversationally to give to people, but as I hear myself speak the words, "It's something we felt we should do." or "We pictured having a bigger family." or even, "I can't quite explain why." the words don't sound right to me. They aren't the truth. 

The reason why we are adopting is because God asked us to. He first asked me. I asked Scott. Scott said not now. God asked me again. I brought it up to Scott, he still wasn't sold. God asked me again, and (perhaps even slightly frustrated) I started to pray for my husband to have his heart opened to love an orphan. And, as sassy as this sounds, I even entertained the thought, "Ok God, why don't you ask him!?" 

While I am now full of joy that being obedient to the Lord brings, and I can feel the love for my daughter growing even though 3 months ago I had no idea she'd ever be a part of my family, I can say with certainty that I was not the one steering when we ended up on this road. Neither was Scott. We did not have a struggle with infertility that landed us here, no longing to connect to Eastern European culture (I had to look Bulgaria up on a map), we are in the years of "parenting boys is not for the faint of heart" so we will both certainly have our work cut out for us when it comes to raising a 15 year old daughter who doesn't speak very much English. There were reasons for us to say no, not now, how come, why us? But for the first time, maybe ever in my life, I just said yes and trusted God with the details. God did, by the way, finally ask Scott too, and I hope He laughed off my temper tantrum.:) As a couple we said yes and got into the backseat of the car/plane/submarine whatever metaphorical vehicle that God drives and we get to say yes the rest of this amazing journey and trust Him to meet our needs and bring our daughter home safely. The good news is that it gets easier every time.

My own stubborn will, laziness, pride, whatever sin d'jour occasionally makes an obstacle in the way, and I don't want to bail, but I want to tell God to hurry up, take a short cut, or blow through a few lights. But I must remember: God knows exactly where He's going and we'll arrive at just the right time. I hope this post will serve as a reminder to re-examine what I know I should be doing when it is tempting to be a backseat driver, when in reality I just need to enjoy the ride.

Pam

Missing Home

Tonight when I was tucking Emerson in, we were talking about Jesus and he said something to me that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart rejoice and hurt at the same time. He told me, "I miss Jesus. I want to go to Heaven."

This especially struck a chord with me after my friend and I had just had a conversation yesterday about how she'd read that 85% of Christians that would choose to remain in their lives instead of going right away to Heaven. I felt the pang of guilt identifying with that majority. I love my life. Not my schedule, my house, the clothes I wear, or my hobbies. Loving life to me is my friends and family. They are what would keep me from wanting to walk through those pearly gates right now. The struggle is what I love most about my life is causing me to sin. My innocent 6 year old son has such a love for Jesus in his heart that he longs for Him. And while it gives me indescribable joy to think of Emerson being safe and perfect in Heaven, it also pains me to a level I can't fathom to think about my son's life being over. Again his childlike faith shined a light on my own short-comings. I should be missing Jesus like that! I should be anxiously awaiting his return. I should be hoping it's very soon so I can be in the arms of my Savior. And while I do want to be with Jesus, my eyes are not always on Him when they're looking elsewhere. I procrastinate, and busy myself with other work besides what God has commanded me to do. I grieve as much as I celebrate when a loved one goes to Heaven. I routinely put my friends, my family, and especially my kids and husband between myself and God. Even though I know, God wants to be first. Always.

A family in our community lost their 14 year old son 8 days ago in an accident. And while I didn't know this family personally, it really hit me hard to pray for his mother. For every mother who has walked in her shoes. We say things like, "if there's anything good about this, it's that he's in Heaven." Those words are antiseptic for our pain in a time of deep suffering. Holding on to the promises that God has given us has helped me through times of loss. But my sons? The tiny babies who I watched take their first breaths on this Earth? To lose them would result in a devastating earthquake in my life, and my faith. But hearing those words from Emerson tonight changed something for me. 

We are like the orphans in this broken world. We get discouraged, afraid, and lonely while we are waiting for our Father to bring us Home. Even though it is not meant to be all there is for us, we cling to the only life we know. We must embrace that our home in Heaven won't be a consolation prize after life on Earth. It will be a perfect place for rejoicing, reunion and most of all - deep, encompassing, eternal love. Let us love our children while we have them, and prepare them for eternity, so they will not be afraid of death. So they keep Almighty God first in their hearts and are eager for their "Gotcha Day" when they meet their Father in Heaven.

Welcome Home

Everywhere I glance, 

I see a loving face

My troubles are behind me

I won't need them in this place.

My body no longer hurts me, 

It is filled with gleaming light

I answer to a different name

Even new, it sounds just right.

I linger in the presence 

of my Savior's Amazing Grace

Like a friend He greets me

A smile on His face.

My old life was the beginning

In my last moment, I turned new

And I found this soul's longing

My Heaven, God, is with You.

Pam

Closing the Gap

The initial shock has worn off that we have been called to adopt. But I tell you what, that first big hill on the rollercoaster is always the scariest! I felt a sense of movement, dropping, excitement, and thrill for almost 2 weeks after we said yes. I didn't even realize that I was caught up in that rush until I came back to earth, checked my bearings and realized that I was still alive! The night after night I was laying awake praying this was right for my family and wondering how we were ever going to pull this off have been replaced by dreams. Dreams of a girl in another country, whom I've never met and now feel myself falling in love with. The anxiety of how and when have been substituted by a steady tasks of what I need to do to get ready to meet my daughter.

I, like most people, am not a fan of waiting. But thank goodness that this process takes time!! I felt enough desperate conviction last month, that I would have hopped on a plane and "rescued" a lovely 14 year old Bulgarian girl who most likely would have felt she was being kidnapped by a crazy lady. These steps, these processes are like the phases of a pregnancy, and each one is important for preparation for a solid foundation of a lifetime together as family. I understand why God created us to have a long gestation period, it simply takes time to prepare yourself for a child! There's no way my whole family would feel ready if I found myself pregnant today and brought home a baby a month later. (Don't worry Scott if you're reading this!)

I still feel that drive of conviction, paired with the often shaky feeling of walking in unknown territory. But certainty has overshadowed doubt. And God has revealed to me that our daughter will be here in a matter of time. His time. Right now I need to keep saying yes like I promised, He will undoubtedly do all he promised and more. He wants us to be ready for her, and her to be ready for us. There will be times that waiting seems so hard, but each day I can be comforted knowing that the gap of thousands of miles between us gets a little smaller.

Pam

A Bulgarian Teen's Story, One year after being adopted

The following is a letter written by a 14 year old girl adopted by an American family.  I ran across this while researching about Bulgarian adoption.  It was written by her one year after she was adopted.  It provides incredible insight on her point of view.  It has some very sad parts, some of them appear to be caused by failures of the adoption agency, but it has a good ending.  This has given us a better understanding of her perspective, what we need to be prepared for, and what we can do to make our adoption better.

Scott

by Constance Rose Weiss

born 9/1990, home 7/2004
 

The day when Jonathan and Laura to come to Bulgaria. I was scared and I think the American people fat, and make me scared. And I don't believe I be adopted by American people. I have a hard time to speak English to them. They tried speaking Bulgarian, it was hard for them. When they speak I can't understand anything. It's sound like funny. They speak Bulgarian silly.
 

When I was in my classroom, and the teacher came the school and calling me to the Orphanage Directors office. And I see Laura and Jonathan and I was scared of them. My advocate Toni took us to her apartment and we spend the night there together. We had pizza and Laura don't like the pizza because the pizza is goat cheese. Then after that I ask Jonathan for money. I go to store and buy bags of chips with toys inside. I didn't eat the chips, because I like the toys. And I did it ten times, and then he said, "No more".
 

The next day when to go to Sofialand Jonathan and me rode on a boat ride that went up and down. And after that we go to the haunted house. I rode on the swings that spin after that. And Jonathan takes my picture of that. He took lots of video also. Then they gave me a camera to take pictures with. I took lots of pictures of them and Sofialand on the Ferris wheel.
 

Later that day, we go to the theater, and watch a movie. X men 2. I liked the movie. After that Jonathan was laughing because on the men's toilets are little painted flies so the men don't pee on the walls. He think the fly is real!
 

We went to McDonald's and eat. I never get Mc Donald's so I ask for it. We eat at McDonald's every meal after that. After that we went to Toni's apartment and I go to bed. And I don't sleep, I pretend to sleep and I wake and I play and Jonathan come and call me into he and Laura's room to sleep next to them. And tell I bring my pillow and I sleep next to them, and I don't want to because I scared of them. And I said "no" and I said something in Bulgarian "ne ne ne" and I ran into my bed and went to sleep.
 

In the morning, we take a shower, dress and go to store, and buy clothes and music tapes. I feel happy and that is my favorite place to go shopping. Nobody had taken me out and I go shopping for clothes or toys or music tapes before. I was excited. Toni explained everything that Laura and Jonathan talk so I was not scared of them.
 

When I go outside me and Laura and Jonathan and Toni, to the store buy me long skirt. And my friend who works in the store was happy for me because I am adopted for American people.

The next day was a sad time. Laura and Jonathan went home to America and I had to stay in Bulgaria till my adoption is finished. I waited for 14 months. It was hard, and sad. I think they never come back to Bulgaria. One day Laura and Jonathan call me on the phone Toni is explaining everything what Laura and Jonathan talk to me. And English is hard to understand, what they said. They said, Hello, I love you and I miss you, and Laura cried. I tried to speak in English to them I said "Thank you people", and "I love you" to them, and had Toni ask them when they come for me.
 

On June 25th, I have a court date for my adoption day. My Birth Mom, and me had to see the judge. And she tell judge don't like me. And give me away for adoption and I was very sad and happy at the same time. I was sad because my birth Mom don't like me, and I like her so much, and she tell me I should die. And that make me sad because she don't like me. I was happy because I was going to America and have new family. I was scared Laura and Jonathan would not love me.
 

When Laura and Jonathan come to the orphanage to get me one month after, I run and jump into Laura's arms. And I think I hurt the baby, because when she come before she was pregnant and I think the baby was still in her stomach and I jump and scared I hurt the baby head and I was scared, After that I jump into Jonathans arms, and after that I turn around and hug Toni, and her father and I said thank you, and after that I turn around and I look in the car and I see a little baby. And I ask, "Who is that baby? "And Laura and Jonathan said "that's your little brother". And I see the baby and the baby is too white and I think the baby is sick and ask Toni "The baby sick?" And Toni said, "No, it's not sick, American people's baby are white"
 

And I give my friends juice and candy and we talk and some of the kids sang, and some cry. And I'm crying. When I leave my teacher throw water on the ground for me to walk on the stairs and said " May your travel be as easy as your walk across the water."
 

Then we go to the Hotel Odajyiski. And I order coke and jerk and cheese. I watch a lot of TV music shows and TV shows. I was happy, but I was afraid. They took me for my visa pictures and a doctor and shopping for clothes. Laura and Jonathan bring me clothes but they didn't fit so we had to buy all new ones in Bulgaria.
 

Then we go to Airport and Airplane for 29 hours on the plane. I was angry I could not talk anything in English, and I think my adoption day is Laura and Jonathan would come and live in Bulgaria I didn't understand I would go to America. I think American people are weird.
 

My new grandparents meet me at the airport. And my grandparents give me roses, and go to their house and spend the night and after that we go to the store and buy a lot a lot of new clothes. And I was excited because I never before see American stores or American people. And all the people talking American. And I'm one person who talking in Bulgarian and I can't understand anything where my grandma and my Mom saying.
 

When I go to my new house, my house is a big mess with a lot of toys. And I can't believe my Mom its' no clean the house when I come to America. I go to my own and I was happy because I never had my own room, my whole life I had to share my room with a lot of girls and it was a happy day to have my own room. And I had a lot of toys. And I had toys on my bed and I have a pretty scarf for my bed and I like my new bed and my new room. And the bed was comfortable. The orphanage bed is too small and dirty. When I meet my new brothers and sisters and I think my family is like weird, because I never before have a family. I thought Judy was a strange girl, when I see her the first day, and I think she was pretty and I like her, but I sometimes I don't like my family. When I am angry or scared.

When I met Micah I think he was strange boy, because his room was lots of K'nex and I had never seen K'nex before and didn't understand they were toys. I just think he had lots of little sticks in his room. My little brother Izzy 2 years old run up me and said "That's my Kostadinka' and I pick him up. I like the baby, he is small and don't speak English and no speak Bulgarian, just baby, and he likes me.
 

My moms' friend Auntie Sandra babysat the children when Mom and dad come to Bulgaria to get me. Then she stayed for three months after to help with everything.
 

Now I've been in America almost one year. And I go to school. And I am happy, I go to school, it's interesting. School in Bulgaria was very different.
 

Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't like me and sometimes I feel mad or angry and I can't understand why I was adopted. I feel guilty I was adopted and more children are not adopted. I miss my friends in the orphanage but I'm happy to have a family.
 

[Note from Constance's mom: "I hope that other families thinking of adopting teens will get encouragement from this. When you decide to adopt an older child or, God forbid, a teen-ager, people are too quick to tell you how crazy you are. I want to encourage people to do it, because as tough as it is, it is just as wonderful! My daughter wrote this as an assignment in her ESL class. She chose to write her whole adoption story. I typed it for her as she spoke so it is in her broken English, but it is truly beautiful and very honest. I asked her if it was OK to send to you to share with other adopted families and she got really excited. I hope you enjoy it. Email Constance's mom, Lolo.]

Broken Pieces

Last night it hit me, and today it hit me again. I'm going to have my heart broken. This is not something I really thought of before Emerson was born. At that time parenthood looked like an exciting journey, a turning point in my life and in our marriage. But, I will admit, many of my sensibilities were clouded by adorable tiny socks and onesies, the ups and downs of pregnancy, the picking of a name, painting the nursery, and HOPE. The hope that my son or daughter would be this perfect little person and that I would be the best Mom in the world to them. I didn't picture anything else.

After the first year of sleep deprivation, trouble breastfeeding, severe reflux and spitting up, delayed milestones, and mixed in with the joy, the smiles, the firsts, the LOVE I felt for Emerson, I realized how naive I had been to think either of us would be perfect. Emerson's second year brought additional concerns, delays, laughter, fun, challenges, triumphs and a whole host of other emotions. Still not a perfect family. Our love for our son and proximity to him combined with inexperience caused us to overlook things Emerson needed help with. We didn't intervene as soon as we should have. We missed things that others who love him were noticing. We weren't finally ready to see Emerson completely for who he is until after we'd moved to Michigan. He was three years old, a whole and beautiful person that radiates with fun, intelligence, empathy, and leadership. He also resides on the spectrum of autism. We have had our share of heartache because of it, frustrations, confusion and even anger. But it didn't change our love for Emerson. He is now doing amazing things in Kindergarten: making friends, learning to read, following directions, having minimum melt downs, and he loves going to school. Autism is not something he will "grow out of" it is something as a family we will grow into. Sometimes it is painful, but I really wouldn't change it. He has come so, so far, and I know he will change the world because of all of the specific things that make him who he is.

A mother's heart is an incredible thing. Mine was elated when we learned that Emerson would be a big brother in 2011, but not long after we found out we were pregnant, we lost our baby at 8 weeks. I doubt the feelings that I had that day will ever leave me completely. Just like the birth of a child opens up a part of your heart and brings you joy you could not imagine, a miscarriage makes you feel betrayed by your body and vulnerable beyond belief, but with a new and profound understanding that none of this is under your control. I can say I have become closer to my Creator since our loss, and I'm trusting that His timing is perfect. My heart changed since our second child wasn't born, my life went on, and my broken heart grew because of it.

And little Sullivan. His arrival to this world was so smooth. Our transition to having another baby in our lives went swimmingly. He has developed in a neurotypical way, and has a smile for everyone he meets along with an occasional I'm-almost-2-let's-try-throwing-myself-on-the-floor-tantrum for me when I tell him no. We spend or days loving on the cats and Marley, running errands, me cleaning/him making messes, reading lots of books, chasing and tickling, avoiding naps, talking with puppets, throwing food on the floor and gigglng. All of the ordinary life of a toddler activities. And it brings me joy to have each day with him. But I will not be surprised if one day something Sullivan chooses to do, or not do, something he falls victim to, SOMETHING will break my heart. Without sounding terribly pessimistic or awful for thinking that with certainty, it's because I know my love for him. Anything that hurts him will hurt me. And here we all are living in this imperfect world, and even if the love I have for him is almost perfect, at some point my heart will chip, break, or shatter altogether because I do love him so much, and alas, his life will not be perfect.

Which brings me to Rose. And what brought me to tears last night and today. For Rose to be adoptable, there has inevitably been trauma in her life. We don't know yet what that is. Her birth parents might not have been able to care for her, they might have tried and failed. They might not have tried and the court had to remove her from the home. Her first family may not even be alive. She may have been abused, neglected, and at 14 she's going to have a lot of memories from her past experiences before she joins our family. We don't know the details. We are praying for the best possible scenario, and trying to educate ourselves on how to help Rose once she is with us. We know that loving her won't "fix" her. But I felt it for the first time last night. It will break our hearts. We don't know why God has called us to walk this path, but we know He will provide for us to do so. There has already been a change in our hearts, and there will be many more before we become a family of 5. And I know that there will be tears of joy and sadness when we unite with our precious daughter. I feel that God is preparing me to endure just a portion of the grief Rose has experienced, as we will hopefully find out more about her history this week (Along with her real name!!). Our daughter has come from a place of brokenness to bring her to the state of adoption. And although we don't know her yet, we feel called to welcome her into our hearts - because we too have come from a place of brokenness. Not from broken homes or broken families, but a broken world. And we have been united with Christ through his suffering so that we can be restored to a perfect place when we return to Heaven with Him. God is reaching us through this experience to seek out a child, open our hearts to her and give her the love that she deserves. It will break our hearts that our love will not be enough. But thankfully His love abounds!! I'm so eager to see how He will put these broken pieces together to make something truly beautiful.

Pam

The Freedom of Saying "Yes"

It's been a long time since I have said "yes" to God without questioning it, or trying to come up with a compelling argument for my timeline instead of His. He has continued to hear my prayers, work in my life, and given me endless grace as I fall down over and over again in my walk with Him. The result has made me a lukewarm Christian. I come close to doing God's will, but then I step away from it for my own convenience. He stirs in my heart in ways I cannot deny, but I don't drop everything and follow His directions. Perhaps I've been keeping myself busy with too many other things that are not nearly as important. Perhaps I haven't been putting myself where He wants me to go. Over three years ago I started writing about becoming a new creature. And until last month I've been basically the same. And I've finally realized that I'm going to stay the same until I start saying "yes" to God on a regular basis. He's been so patient with me!!

Can I do a little volunteer work in His name? Yes
Can I love my neighbors? Yes
Can I forgive those that have hurt me and ask for forgiveness myself? Yes
Can I get my butt to church? Yes
Can I love a child whom I didn't give birth to and venture halfway around the world to bring her home?.......Yes, but not alone God.

I'm not sure how that last one is going to play out exactly, and how all the pieces will fit together to make it happen. I know with my grace alone it will work about as well as a wet paper airplane. But with God's power, anything is possible. So I'm going to keep saying "yes" so I can find out what that anything can be!

An excerpt from my work three years ago:

           I walked out of my church service today with a warmed feeling, like the one you get after holding your hands near a campfire. It had been several weeks since I had attended, long enough actually for our Pastor to jokingly re-introduce himself to us before beginning to preach. His sermon was a tender one, about loving life. Not the “love fun, love yourself, love the world” message all around us daily, but actually loving the life you’d been gifted by your Heavenly Father and allowing Him to work through you in a purposeful way. It was a sermon about running the race, fighting the fight, loving life.

            I do love my life. All month I’d been focusing on things I was thankful for with no end to the list in sight. God has blessed me with a loving family, caring friends, a nice house, and plenty of money to travel and do the things I like. After the sermon I realized that the life I love is the one that revolves around me. The happiness and contentment I feel is from getting what I want most of the time. I have very little to complain about, and a lot to offer through sharing my blessings, but not much comes out of my existence, not nearly as much as is going in.

            I drift in and out of God’s will when it aligns with my own. And I convince myself that I’m too busy or not Christian enough to serve. The enemy agrees with me. Who would watch my son if I am busy helping others, who would make dinner for my family if I volunteered at Wednesday services like I used to, how would I feel missing an additional hour to sleep if I got up and helped with a Sunday school class? When it comes to volunteering at church I have serious commitment issues. I’m afraid they’ll ask more than I’m willing to inconvenience myself for, so I offer nothing. I used to get great satisfaction working with the 3^rd and 4^th grade Sunday school class. But I gave it up when I was pregnant with my son. I often felt bad, and didn’t want to be someone you couldn’t depend on, so I walked away from those children who I could have ministered to. My son will be three next month, I haven’t offered anything since. God has called me too many times, and I haven’t answered.

            This warm feeling after church felt good, I wasn’t especially convicted by any one part of the sermon, but I just felt near to God. I hadn’t realized how distant I had felt until I was in His proximity. I hadn’t noticed how my exterior had hardened when it was cooled away from the fire of the Holy Spirit. Time and time again it had happened to me, I’d spend a period of time pliable and workable so God could use me. The Bible opened up to me and poured out its’ wisdom. Prayer time was a deep intimate conversation. I would feel generous, energetic, and confident in the Word of the Lord.

            Today I went into church with none of those qualities. I didn’t feel like a member of the body, having been absent for so long. I had continued to pray, but mostly out of obligation and my Bible hadn’t been opened for weeks. I was cold and the warmth of the presence of the Lord felt good.  But what I have found is that I never let God completely ignite me with His flame. I don’t step into the fire to be consumed by His will. I stand on the outside warming my hands, feeding my needs, and when I’m just warm enough I walk away. Back to the cold world, without warmth to give away to others, just enough to keep myself warm until the next time I come back to Him. I am a lukewarm Christian. I’m never quite hot enough and never completely cold, but I act in a way that God hates. Over the last 3 years I have been stagnant, growing little and sharing little fellowship. I sit near people in church week after week and don’t know a 10^th of the names of the familiar faces around me. I don’t know their hurts, I don’t know their prayers, I don’t know any way in which to love or serve them. And that’s just the people at church! I don’t carry the fire of God out into the world to be a light to the lost and dying. I know enough to help, but I don’t have the faith to tell mountains to jump. I won’t let God have me completely.

            Yes, I have become more transparent as of lately with my family and friends and especially my husband. But when seeing the “real me” does little to bring others to the feet of Christ, why bother? I come and go as I please like a disobedient child and God blesses me anyway. I’m afraid to find out if God has plans to bring me to my knees to be all His. Is my heart so hard that God will have to break it to get inside? Why do I fear God’s will when I know that His plans for me are perfect? I know that He wants me to be His servant. I know that I can. But still I wander away from the flock into a dangerous world that chills me and takes away my conviction. And with good intentions, I occasionally come back to be fed and take what I need before I wander once more.

            And God pursues me to this day! Right now I have the warmth surrounding me and the Holy Spirit loosening my grip on the world. I feel Christ’s love and God’s amazing sovereignty and pray that each day I can step closer to the fire of it all until it consumes me and I can no longer walk away.

Revelation 3:16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. 

Pam

Me and the Boys Night

Pam decided to go to Indianapolis this weekend, and she has good reason to do so.  One of her BFF's recently gave birth to her second child, a darling healthy girl.  I know Pam has been really excited to meet her.  Fortunately, she will be back tomorrow.  So it's just me and the boys tonight. 

They are both in bed and fell right to sleep.  I must have worn them out.  So I thought I'd take a few minutes and blog a little bit.  Pretty uneventful evening really.  The boys always get more liberties when it's just me caring for them.  We all eat dinner while watching reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos.  I enjoy watching them both crack up over silly things, or simultaneously yelling "OOOUUUCHHH!!!", when they see someone get hurt.  Sully has picked up our catch phases very quickly, and he doesn't miss a beat.  Us boys don't get these opportunities very often, so I make it fun for all of us.  I'm usually the law enforcer around the house, and it's nice to let loose and have fun. 

Emerson is set on being strong and in shape, so he ran around and did exercises in reps of five.  These included, lunges, push-ups, squats, jumping-jacks, and one legged hops.  He's about 1% body fat, so I'm not sure what is driving his fitness regiment.  I do wish I had the energy and drive he has right now.  I'd be in a lot better shape.  Sully ran around finding random objects and tossing them in the air.  Several came right back down and hit him in the head.  He started making a game of it until the harmonica nailed him right in the temple with the sharp metal corner.  This led to the routine of putting him down for the night.

Earlier, our neighbor came by to grade our 1/4 mile long gravel driveway.  I provide him with lots of Salmon, and he grades our driveway.  It works out really nicely, especially since Pam doesn't like the look, touch, smell or idea of fish.  She thinks they are gross.  They probably think us air breathing, dry bodied, long limbed creatures, who trick them in to biting sharp fake fish are gross.  That doesn't stop the big ones from eating us... LOL. 

I gave him about 10lbs of salmon the other day when I asked him to do the work.  Today I asked if he needed more, and he said, "Yes!". 

I was kind of surprised that he went through 10lbs already, it had only been a couple days ago.  So I said, "Wow, it must have been good!". 

He said, "Yeuup (he's from the UP), It must have been......(long silence)......I left it in the bucket of the tractor, and the turkeys went to town on it." 

He has about 6 turkeys that are pets and wander around his property.  I didn't realize turkeys like raw fish, but I'm not surprised.  They'll peck at anything.  They were probably more interested in the plastic bag than the fish.  So I told him I'll bring some more over this weekend.

The boys sure enjoyed watching the tractor work.  They both love the sound of the 1950's era John Deere tractor.  Sullivan would have ran right under the tires if you let him.  Some things, like the fires on a Hibachi grill table, scare him to death, while others, like a 3 ton noisy tractor, are like moving lollipops. 

I don't have a lot to talk about relating to the adoption at this time.  We are waiting to hear back from the Bulgaria on final approval of our referral.  We can't start the home study until our agency has all the paperwork filed with Bethany, who is the organization who will do our home study and after adoption support.  Having the home study completed will open doors for us to apply for more grants, as it is a requirement for most grants and fundraising organizations. 

Being in the waiting phase of the adoption process has it's benefits.  It allows us to come back to reality, and to process the gravity of the situation.  We have contacted another family in Florida, who in the last year or so adopted a 14 year old Bulgarian girl, and we are anxious to speak with them.  They are not able to speak with us for a few weeks, as they are leaving next week to go back to Bulgaria to adopt another child.  They are living proof and testimony that it can work, which is nice to know.  We are very excited to speak with them about their journey.

The Decision To Adopt

We hadn't pictured the direction our life would be taking to journey halfway across the world to meet our daughter in Bulgaria. It's been a sharp turn to say the least!

Scott and I have two healthy wonderful sons and up until very recently, felt that our family was complete. While we've watched or boys grow from babies to now a kindergartener and toddler, the transitions have been bittersweet. But mostly sweet! I love getting to know each of them and see their personalities blossom, their talents emerge, and our love for them just grows and grows as they get bigger. Recently I had felt the call in my heart that our family was not quite there finished. But after enjoying our maturing sons, going through two difficult pregnancies and a miscarriage, I was certainly not experiencing "baby fever".

A few months ago I started a search using Rainbowkids.com. The little children from all over the world looked back at me through my computer screen and with a very guarded heart I made a short list of "saved kids" that I felt could fit into my family. None of the children were younger than our oldest son who is almost 6. I was not moved to action and I left the search for a few months and came back to check on some of the kids I'd viewed to see who was new or highlighted on the website. Sadly most of them were still listed. My heart was discouraged. There was no way I could make a difference for these kids. Many of them had special needs, they live so far away, oh and the big part, I didn't know if Scott was even on board with adoption!! These were my doubts before I even learned of the cost, commitment and time it takes to adopt internationally.  We weren't ready.  But my prayers started then. Intentional prayers asking God if this is the direction we should take.

Then again, Scott is on a business trip and I check back to see a few children have been placed, not many, but a few. It gave me great joy to know that these children, once orphans, would be welcomed into a forever home and loved by the parents they so desperately needed. That called me to inquire. I sent a generic few questions to two separate agencies about four children I had on my list. Two boys and two girls. That  seed God had planted in my heart for orphans became watered by my tears. I could no longer look at the pictures on the website without tearing up. Knowing that even if there would still be millions of orphans in the world, there should be at least one less because of our family. God had placed the burden on my heart to adopt, but the who, when and how was not clear at all.

The next day I got a call from an agency in Ohio that works to place European children. I was asked what I was type of child I was looking for. The truth is I didn't know. My list was growing by this time. Children from all over, boys, girls, healthy, challenged, with siblings, as young as 7 as old as 15.  I was all over the place. She mentioned "a lovely, smart, healthy young lady that is in desperate need of parents because she will soon age out of the system. Her name is Rose, she's 14, and from Bulgaria. I'll email you her details and a picture tonight." When I opened the email, there was a familiar face, a bright beautiful smile, a girl from my list.

I waited up for Scott to get home. It was late, but I wasn't tired. I'm never nervous to talk to Scott, this night I was. I felt so strongly about this, but the last time I had tried to talk to him about it, the subject was changed quickly and he never brought it back up. Neither did I. My prayers gave me the courage to bring it up again. I had asked God to call Scott as He's calling me so that his heart can understand what my heart is drawn to. That the mysterious seed of adoption that God planted in me would be planted in him too. But a big part of me was expecting Scott to say that our two healthy boys are enough for him (and how do you argue that?), that it's too expensive, too complicated, too dangerous. I poured my heart out to him anyway. What God was doing inside of me, how I didn't really understand it, or couldn't accurately describe it. How I felt like this might be the largest step of faith in my entire life and I am nervous. How I needed him to be a leader for me and our family in this, but I could never go through with it if it felt like I was forcing him to take a step he didn't want to take. When I finally stopped with my spiel and looked at Scott, the look on his face told me that God had been working in him too. He was smiling (smirking really - which is his adorable version of letting me know I was right - one of my favorite Scott expressions!)

He told me, "When you put it that way..."

Me, "You want to adopt?!"

Him, "I'm all for helping people."

"You want to adopt?!"

Him, "My biggest concern is how much it will cost"

"You want to adopt?!"

Him - that smirk again

"So?!"

Him, "I would do it tomorrow if I had $25k in our bank account."

"You want to adopt?!?!?!"

Him, "I want to adopt."

This was definitely the work of God!!!  The feeling is like seeing the positive pregnancy test. The swirl of emotions and excitement. Are we ready for this? How on Earth are we going to do this? Oh my goodness there is going to be another little love in our family! I love this man sooooo much. A complete torrent of joy and fear, anticipation and curiosity.  We still had no idea what adoption looks like, costs, when or how we would adopt. But our hearts met in a really sacred space for the first time in our marriage, a place where we knew we could love a child that wasn't born into our family. We'd have to find them.

The next day there just so happened to be a seminar in Grand Rapids about foster care and adoption in Michigan, so we went. Hearing the story of an adoptive father and his 3 sons was really incredible. The boys spoke about what it was like to be labeled "unadoptable". To be among those kids that are almost too old to be adopted, to have gotten in trouble because you have no guidance, to need help and never have anyone there to help you, when all you really wanted was a second chance and a hand to hold.

Through the entire meeting I could feel God giving me the courage to love a child that I didn't know yet. Someone that had lived a life of feeling unwanted or abandoned. Someone that just needed a second chance and a couple of people to love them enough to hold their hands. It didn't matter how far away they were.  It didn't matter if I didn't know what I was doing yet. Or that what I thought was an expense of "oh my goodness 25, 000 to adopt internationally?!?" is actually closer to 40,000. None of it mattered. We wanted to say yes to what God had called us to do.

That same night I spoke with Rose's placing agency again. We were made aware that there is urgency to adopt Rose. A very fast international adoption takes 12 months. She will be over 15 at that time. By her 16th birthday her immigration paperwork all has to be completed - the final steps to bring her home. If it's not, then she can't leave the country. This was Thursday, and the paperwork needed to be sent to the translator by Monday. We had to decide if we would sit on the ledge of this huge decision or if we would hold on tight to allow God to carry us through it when we saw no foreseeable means to get 40,000 in less than a year. Logic was telling us nope, it's not supposed to happen this way. Not this fast. Not without a plan. But God was telling us just to say yes. Say yes to what you can, when you can, and allow me to work.

The next couple of days were filled with prayer and we were in constant conversation about Rose. Is Rose meant to be our daughter? We'd learned more about her by this time, and even were able to see a few videos of her being interviewed in her native language. We tried to translate it using Google translator, with hilarious results. We just couldn't say no to Rose. We were falling in love with her. We were picturing her at dinner with us, at church, showing her new experiences in the US, giving her a pink room that she wanted, her bonding with our boys, us loving her. We couldn't say no, but we did. I email the placement agency and told them, we can't afford to do this now, it has nothing to do with Rose. We really want to bring her home, but we can't. I told them I'd circle back to them in a year when we had had some time to plan.

The nice safe logical answer gave us no peace. I'd been updating my close friends and family and it was so hard to tell them we'd said no to Rose's adoption. We were experiencing a loss without ever having a gain. God knew we needed certainty and this was it. We had to say yes to Rose, the reason that it felt like she would fit so perfectly into our family is because God is calling us to adopt her!! We spoke to the placing agency again, this time we said Yes. We have felt so much peace with those three little letters!

It was immediately time to jump into action. The last couple of days have been filled with paperwork, phone calls and research. Not to mention a couple of miracles thrown in. We still have no idea how to pay to fly to Bulgaria and back twice, pay their government 12,000 euros, pay for a homestudy, dossier, our second half of the contract with our agency, etc. But we have to only look at one thing at a time, one day at a time. The initial application fee was waived from $300  to $25 for National Adoption Month (yay!), and we found out we may be eligible to get up to 4,000 in grants since Rose is near aging out. Plus when we agreed to the contract we told them we cannot pay the entire fee at once, (It's $3500 - so we broke it into two parts). Then last night when we were reviewing the documents before they were sent to Bulgaria to be translated. The $3500 was marked out - now only $1750 no second payment required due to her age and circumstances. Thank you God!!

Now that big scary $40,000 is down to around $34,000. We said yes before we saved for this. Fell in love before we made sense of this. And took a step of faith to give credit to God Almighty to prepare a way for us to bring Rose home. It would mean so much to have the prayers of our friends and family as we walk this road. Please pray for Rose especially who has no idea that we even exist and want so badly to open doors for her to have a better life and a forever home. And if you have a donation that you feel comfortable making, I pray that you'll feel it's a blessing and not a burden. It would really mean so much to us. Thank you.

Pam and Scott Marsh (and Rose)

The Marsh Family

Thank you for visiting our blog.  This is the first of what we are sure to be many posts about our adventure in adopting a teenager from Bulgaria. 

We weren't sure how start the blog, so we figured it would be fitting to first introduce ourselves.  My name is Scott Marsh and I'm married to my lovely wife Pam.  We will be celebrating our tenth anniversary in June of 2016.  We have two wonderful biological sons, Emerson who is almost 6 and Sullivan who is almost 2. We live in a small rural community in West Michigan.  Pam is a stay at home mother, while I work as a construction manager. 

Emerson and Sullivan are the joys of our life.  As joyful as they are, as any parent can confirm, some days are better than others.  Emerson has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, and mild Autism.  Sullivan is a perfectly healthy, off the charts in size and weight, neurotypical little rascal, in a good way.  Emerson's condition has been challenging to say the least.  But, through these challenges comes strength and patience.  Recent therapy and diet changes have allowed us to see a new side of him, which has helped light the way in our hearts for adoption. 

Our decision to adopt came swiftly and powerfully through God's calling.  His calling came at a time when we were as far from him as we had been in some time.  When we moved to Michigan in 2013, from our home in Indianapolis, IN, we failed to find a new church.  We left a wonderful church in Indy, and despite visiting several churches in MI, we just couldn't find one that felt the same way.  We are naturally introverts, and we let our feelings get in the way of our spirituality.  Soon we gave up looking for a church and settled in to a lifestyle that didn't include church.  We still prayed, but we could tell we were just going through the motions.

Well, God has a way of getting out attention, and his timing is amazing.  Suddenly, we are searching for a church with feverish abandon, and longing to become apart of a new church family.  God grabbed our hearts and said, if we couldn't find the courage, He would give us a mission that would.  And here we are...already applied for an adoption, have a match, and watching the paperwork fly out the door.  With no money, no clue of what we are doing, and no expectations, we have accepted His call. 

It's an amazing feeling, that of just saying yes to challenges and joys that lay before us.  He has already blessed us in many ways just in the first few weeks.  The weight of the whole scenario is truly being carried by Him.  We have taken a leap of faith, and the calmness and serenity of the experience thus far has been surreal. 

Please follow us along on this journey.  We will post as often as we can find the time.  This blog will serve us well to document our journey, but more importantly, I hope it ignites the Holy Spirit in those who read this.  May they also be able to hear God's word and join Him on the journey He has planned for them.

God Bless,

Scott and Pam Marsh