Leftovers

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my daughter. We are once again in the midst of paperwork and forward progress now that our home study is complete and the reality that she will be in our home soon is setting in. This is both exciting and in some ways unsettling. Similar to the way I felt when our second son was on his way, I knew that life was about to change, and in a way I was so excited to meet him, but bracing myself too for bumps in the road that I knew we might face with another child under our roof.

As I packed away the leftovers from tonight's dinner, an entire serving of everything I had cooked, I was reminded again of Rose and the little that I know of her continued to replay in my head. She is 14. Her favorite subject is math. Her favorite food is pizza. When she is sad, she writes in her journal. She dreams of living in a big house with her own room painted pink. I bring up the picture of her in my mind. The sweet smile she gives when talking about her little foster brother on the minute of so we've seen of her on video. The way she thoughtfully cocks her head when asked a question. Her back straight and hands folded neatly but nervously in front of her. This is my daughter and I'm able to look at her with love already, but there is so much more under the surface of her brief report, a short video or even the feelings I can already express for her.

Since I don't know my daughter very well yet, (and I don't know myself as the mother of a daughter yet either) I spend time daydreaming scenarios that we might have together and how I can reassure her that she is loved and belongs with us. It will be scary in some ways just like having a newborn for the first time. I will desperately want to make sure I'm meeting her needs, but will have to train myself to look for cues that she's fulfilled and comforted, especially if she's not eager or able to tell me right away. But I'm hoping that our initial bonds, no matter how late they are arriving, are deep and lasting for Rose and every other member of our family.

Our boys came to know us in such a different way. My story as a Mom started biologically and my mindset still grasps that familiarity of being introduced to my children at their births. I have no idea how it will feel the first time I see Rose in person. I know I will want to wrap my arms around her and shed tears of joy like I did with my boys, but I'm not certain if she will be ready for that. She knows nothing of us now, but will soon see our picture, find out the things that we like and don't like and will be able to form an idea of who we are before we ever come in contact with her. But like me trying to figure out how to bond with a "newborn teenager", the idea she has of parents might be very vague. I don't know if she's ever been held by her biological mother, or if affection from a very new person would startle her. We will surely both be outside of our comfort zones and forming attachment in a very different way than each of us is used to.

Ultimately, I know in my heart why Rose is going to share our family and why we will be part of her story. The simplest answer is that she is a gift from God. But like most of what God does, I still cannot completely comprehend why he chose us to be the parents of this child in Bulgaria with nearly a decade and a half of history that we know nothing about. It is not the sum of the parts that we can offer Rose her own pink room, a lot of journals to write in, little brothers to play with, a family to sit and have dinner with....It's deeper and much more raw than that. Rose belongs with us, but I feel it so succinctly in very small actions. Like putting away a plate of food, I feel like it should have, no, must be, shared with this dark haired, whispy daughter of mine who lives thousands of miles away. God reminds me each day, like a brilliant ray of sunshine breaking through a cloudy overcast sky, He has a life planned for Rose and we are in it. He will help us to become the family that she needs.

We have been entrusted with a daughter to love and protect, and I know God will provide a way to do exactly as He's asked.  Already our beautiful daughter has offered us the opportunity to be good and faithful servants. To take a leap of faith and be carried by our Father. She has shown us that it is no cliche, these blessings we've been given are meant to be shared. And the way God provides and multiplies His gifts is truly an amazing process to witness. Yes, there is sorrow and loss at the heart of adoption, but each one of these orphans was so carefully made and is so deeply loved, their potential to blossom in a family waits at the thresholds of the hearts of people like you and I. The blessing is ours to receive if we open the door.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48