Scott and I have been trying to prepare ourselves for the worst. With the excitement that comes along with having another child join our family, there is also the realization that it will be different this time. In so many ways: age, gender, experience, biology, language, culture, and the list goes on and on. We have been reading about attachment disorders, learning delays, trauma, institutionalization, abandonment, developmental delays, learning disabilities, fetal alcohol syndrome, foster care, and grief. We have been comparing and contrasting the differences between Bulgaria and the US, following boards from adoptive parents, reading blogs. There are many "what ifs" to be concerned about. There will most likely be a honeymoon period, followed by a looooong and possibly painful journey of attachment and integration. We have been preparing our hearts and minds for these things. Ready to love unconditionally, stick it out and get to the other side where things are "smooth sailing". Although I laugh even typing smooth sailing to describe parenthood. Just as one obstacle is figured out another rope slips, sail rips, or wave crashes over the bow. Little of our journey has been smooth sailing, but oh the joy that it brings! And the closer Scott and I have become since switching from partners to Captain, First Mate, and crew. Our own bio kids challenge us and delight us in ways that we were never prepared for. And while I want to have my eyes wide open and be ready to parent Rose the best we can, I need to remind myself to be patient and know that God has called her to our family for a reason. We will get through the honeymoon with smiles. We will get through the adjustment period hand in hand with tears in our eyes. We will know Rose, and love her in a unique way because God introduced us in a unique way. We will accept her if she's worse off, better off, shut down, or lashing out. We will walk beside her through her teen years doing the best we can with the little we know. We will trust God even if there's days that the bad "what ifs" add up to a whole lot of trepidation. And we will hope for the "what ifs" even if they take years to reveal themselves.
What if Rose will like to sit with me and watch girl movies when her Dad is out of town?
What if she enjoys shopping for lip gloss?
What if she sings at the top of her lungs in the car?
What if she plays with her little brothers?
What if she likes nice boys?
What if she picks pineapple for her pizza topping too?
What if she learns to love the Lord?
What if she shows us her beautiful smile every day?
What if she likes to curl up with a cat on her lap and lose herself in a book?
What if she likes to bake brownies with me?
What if she trusts us?
What if she wants to be our daughter?
What if she giggles with her cousins?
What if she leans into a hug?
What if she tries her best at school?
What if she loves us back?
We all have hopes for our kids before we even meet them. My hopes are up. My faith in God tells me that joy is coming. We will need to lean on Him, hope through Him, and fervently lift our prayers to Him. If you're reading this, please join us in praying for Rose. That she will not lose the hope that there is a family waiting to bring her home. A lot of prayers and a little hope go a long way.
Pam
