Backseat Driver

Since we've made the decision to adopt, we're often asked why we are adopting, or why internationally? Scott and I fumble for answers that could sort of make sense conversationally to give to people, but as I hear myself speak the words, "It's something we felt we should do." or "We pictured having a bigger family." or even, "I can't quite explain why." the words don't sound right to me. They aren't the truth. 

The reason why we are adopting is because God asked us to. He first asked me. I asked Scott. Scott said not now. God asked me again. I brought it up to Scott, he still wasn't sold. God asked me again, and (perhaps even slightly frustrated) I started to pray for my husband to have his heart opened to love an orphan. And, as sassy as this sounds, I even entertained the thought, "Ok God, why don't you ask him!?" 

While I am now full of joy that being obedient to the Lord brings, and I can feel the love for my daughter growing even though 3 months ago I had no idea she'd ever be a part of my family, I can say with certainty that I was not the one steering when we ended up on this road. Neither was Scott. We did not have a struggle with infertility that landed us here, no longing to connect to Eastern European culture (I had to look Bulgaria up on a map), we are in the years of "parenting boys is not for the faint of heart" so we will both certainly have our work cut out for us when it comes to raising a 15 year old daughter who doesn't speak very much English. There were reasons for us to say no, not now, how come, why us? But for the first time, maybe ever in my life, I just said yes and trusted God with the details. God did, by the way, finally ask Scott too, and I hope He laughed off my temper tantrum.:) As a couple we said yes and got into the backseat of the car/plane/submarine whatever metaphorical vehicle that God drives and we get to say yes the rest of this amazing journey and trust Him to meet our needs and bring our daughter home safely. The good news is that it gets easier every time.

My own stubborn will, laziness, pride, whatever sin d'jour occasionally makes an obstacle in the way, and I don't want to bail, but I want to tell God to hurry up, take a short cut, or blow through a few lights. But I must remember: God knows exactly where He's going and we'll arrive at just the right time. I hope this post will serve as a reminder to re-examine what I know I should be doing when it is tempting to be a backseat driver, when in reality I just need to enjoy the ride.

Pam

Missing Home

Tonight when I was tucking Emerson in, we were talking about Jesus and he said something to me that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart rejoice and hurt at the same time. He told me, "I miss Jesus. I want to go to Heaven."

This especially struck a chord with me after my friend and I had just had a conversation yesterday about how she'd read that 85% of Christians that would choose to remain in their lives instead of going right away to Heaven. I felt the pang of guilt identifying with that majority. I love my life. Not my schedule, my house, the clothes I wear, or my hobbies. Loving life to me is my friends and family. They are what would keep me from wanting to walk through those pearly gates right now. The struggle is what I love most about my life is causing me to sin. My innocent 6 year old son has such a love for Jesus in his heart that he longs for Him. And while it gives me indescribable joy to think of Emerson being safe and perfect in Heaven, it also pains me to a level I can't fathom to think about my son's life being over. Again his childlike faith shined a light on my own short-comings. I should be missing Jesus like that! I should be anxiously awaiting his return. I should be hoping it's very soon so I can be in the arms of my Savior. And while I do want to be with Jesus, my eyes are not always on Him when they're looking elsewhere. I procrastinate, and busy myself with other work besides what God has commanded me to do. I grieve as much as I celebrate when a loved one goes to Heaven. I routinely put my friends, my family, and especially my kids and husband between myself and God. Even though I know, God wants to be first. Always.

A family in our community lost their 14 year old son 8 days ago in an accident. And while I didn't know this family personally, it really hit me hard to pray for his mother. For every mother who has walked in her shoes. We say things like, "if there's anything good about this, it's that he's in Heaven." Those words are antiseptic for our pain in a time of deep suffering. Holding on to the promises that God has given us has helped me through times of loss. But my sons? The tiny babies who I watched take their first breaths on this Earth? To lose them would result in a devastating earthquake in my life, and my faith. But hearing those words from Emerson tonight changed something for me. 

We are like the orphans in this broken world. We get discouraged, afraid, and lonely while we are waiting for our Father to bring us Home. Even though it is not meant to be all there is for us, we cling to the only life we know. We must embrace that our home in Heaven won't be a consolation prize after life on Earth. It will be a perfect place for rejoicing, reunion and most of all - deep, encompassing, eternal love. Let us love our children while we have them, and prepare them for eternity, so they will not be afraid of death. So they keep Almighty God first in their hearts and are eager for their "Gotcha Day" when they meet their Father in Heaven.

Welcome Home

Everywhere I glance, 

I see a loving face

My troubles are behind me

I won't need them in this place.

My body no longer hurts me, 

It is filled with gleaming light

I answer to a different name

Even new, it sounds just right.

I linger in the presence 

of my Savior's Amazing Grace

Like a friend He greets me

A smile on His face.

My old life was the beginning

In my last moment, I turned new

And I found this soul's longing

My Heaven, God, is with You.

Pam