A Bulgarian Teen's Story, One year after being adopted

The following is a letter written by a 14 year old girl adopted by an American family.  I ran across this while researching about Bulgarian adoption.  It was written by her one year after she was adopted.  It provides incredible insight on her point of view.  It has some very sad parts, some of them appear to be caused by failures of the adoption agency, but it has a good ending.  This has given us a better understanding of her perspective, what we need to be prepared for, and what we can do to make our adoption better.

Scott

by Constance Rose Weiss

born 9/1990, home 7/2004
 

The day when Jonathan and Laura to come to Bulgaria. I was scared and I think the American people fat, and make me scared. And I don't believe I be adopted by American people. I have a hard time to speak English to them. They tried speaking Bulgarian, it was hard for them. When they speak I can't understand anything. It's sound like funny. They speak Bulgarian silly.
 

When I was in my classroom, and the teacher came the school and calling me to the Orphanage Directors office. And I see Laura and Jonathan and I was scared of them. My advocate Toni took us to her apartment and we spend the night there together. We had pizza and Laura don't like the pizza because the pizza is goat cheese. Then after that I ask Jonathan for money. I go to store and buy bags of chips with toys inside. I didn't eat the chips, because I like the toys. And I did it ten times, and then he said, "No more".
 

The next day when to go to Sofialand Jonathan and me rode on a boat ride that went up and down. And after that we go to the haunted house. I rode on the swings that spin after that. And Jonathan takes my picture of that. He took lots of video also. Then they gave me a camera to take pictures with. I took lots of pictures of them and Sofialand on the Ferris wheel.
 

Later that day, we go to the theater, and watch a movie. X men 2. I liked the movie. After that Jonathan was laughing because on the men's toilets are little painted flies so the men don't pee on the walls. He think the fly is real!
 

We went to McDonald's and eat. I never get Mc Donald's so I ask for it. We eat at McDonald's every meal after that. After that we went to Toni's apartment and I go to bed. And I don't sleep, I pretend to sleep and I wake and I play and Jonathan come and call me into he and Laura's room to sleep next to them. And tell I bring my pillow and I sleep next to them, and I don't want to because I scared of them. And I said "no" and I said something in Bulgarian "ne ne ne" and I ran into my bed and went to sleep.
 

In the morning, we take a shower, dress and go to store, and buy clothes and music tapes. I feel happy and that is my favorite place to go shopping. Nobody had taken me out and I go shopping for clothes or toys or music tapes before. I was excited. Toni explained everything that Laura and Jonathan talk so I was not scared of them.
 

When I go outside me and Laura and Jonathan and Toni, to the store buy me long skirt. And my friend who works in the store was happy for me because I am adopted for American people.

The next day was a sad time. Laura and Jonathan went home to America and I had to stay in Bulgaria till my adoption is finished. I waited for 14 months. It was hard, and sad. I think they never come back to Bulgaria. One day Laura and Jonathan call me on the phone Toni is explaining everything what Laura and Jonathan talk to me. And English is hard to understand, what they said. They said, Hello, I love you and I miss you, and Laura cried. I tried to speak in English to them I said "Thank you people", and "I love you" to them, and had Toni ask them when they come for me.
 

On June 25th, I have a court date for my adoption day. My Birth Mom, and me had to see the judge. And she tell judge don't like me. And give me away for adoption and I was very sad and happy at the same time. I was sad because my birth Mom don't like me, and I like her so much, and she tell me I should die. And that make me sad because she don't like me. I was happy because I was going to America and have new family. I was scared Laura and Jonathan would not love me.
 

When Laura and Jonathan come to the orphanage to get me one month after, I run and jump into Laura's arms. And I think I hurt the baby, because when she come before she was pregnant and I think the baby was still in her stomach and I jump and scared I hurt the baby head and I was scared, After that I jump into Jonathans arms, and after that I turn around and hug Toni, and her father and I said thank you, and after that I turn around and I look in the car and I see a little baby. And I ask, "Who is that baby? "And Laura and Jonathan said "that's your little brother". And I see the baby and the baby is too white and I think the baby is sick and ask Toni "The baby sick?" And Toni said, "No, it's not sick, American people's baby are white"
 

And I give my friends juice and candy and we talk and some of the kids sang, and some cry. And I'm crying. When I leave my teacher throw water on the ground for me to walk on the stairs and said " May your travel be as easy as your walk across the water."
 

Then we go to the Hotel Odajyiski. And I order coke and jerk and cheese. I watch a lot of TV music shows and TV shows. I was happy, but I was afraid. They took me for my visa pictures and a doctor and shopping for clothes. Laura and Jonathan bring me clothes but they didn't fit so we had to buy all new ones in Bulgaria.
 

Then we go to Airport and Airplane for 29 hours on the plane. I was angry I could not talk anything in English, and I think my adoption day is Laura and Jonathan would come and live in Bulgaria I didn't understand I would go to America. I think American people are weird.
 

My new grandparents meet me at the airport. And my grandparents give me roses, and go to their house and spend the night and after that we go to the store and buy a lot a lot of new clothes. And I was excited because I never before see American stores or American people. And all the people talking American. And I'm one person who talking in Bulgarian and I can't understand anything where my grandma and my Mom saying.
 

When I go to my new house, my house is a big mess with a lot of toys. And I can't believe my Mom its' no clean the house when I come to America. I go to my own and I was happy because I never had my own room, my whole life I had to share my room with a lot of girls and it was a happy day to have my own room. And I had a lot of toys. And I had toys on my bed and I have a pretty scarf for my bed and I like my new bed and my new room. And the bed was comfortable. The orphanage bed is too small and dirty. When I meet my new brothers and sisters and I think my family is like weird, because I never before have a family. I thought Judy was a strange girl, when I see her the first day, and I think she was pretty and I like her, but I sometimes I don't like my family. When I am angry or scared.

When I met Micah I think he was strange boy, because his room was lots of K'nex and I had never seen K'nex before and didn't understand they were toys. I just think he had lots of little sticks in his room. My little brother Izzy 2 years old run up me and said "That's my Kostadinka' and I pick him up. I like the baby, he is small and don't speak English and no speak Bulgarian, just baby, and he likes me.
 

My moms' friend Auntie Sandra babysat the children when Mom and dad come to Bulgaria to get me. Then she stayed for three months after to help with everything.
 

Now I've been in America almost one year. And I go to school. And I am happy, I go to school, it's interesting. School in Bulgaria was very different.
 

Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't like me and sometimes I feel mad or angry and I can't understand why I was adopted. I feel guilty I was adopted and more children are not adopted. I miss my friends in the orphanage but I'm happy to have a family.
 

[Note from Constance's mom: "I hope that other families thinking of adopting teens will get encouragement from this. When you decide to adopt an older child or, God forbid, a teen-ager, people are too quick to tell you how crazy you are. I want to encourage people to do it, because as tough as it is, it is just as wonderful! My daughter wrote this as an assignment in her ESL class. She chose to write her whole adoption story. I typed it for her as she spoke so it is in her broken English, but it is truly beautiful and very honest. I asked her if it was OK to send to you to share with other adopted families and she got really excited. I hope you enjoy it. Email Constance's mom, Lolo.]

Broken Pieces

Last night it hit me, and today it hit me again. I'm going to have my heart broken. This is not something I really thought of before Emerson was born. At that time parenthood looked like an exciting journey, a turning point in my life and in our marriage. But, I will admit, many of my sensibilities were clouded by adorable tiny socks and onesies, the ups and downs of pregnancy, the picking of a name, painting the nursery, and HOPE. The hope that my son or daughter would be this perfect little person and that I would be the best Mom in the world to them. I didn't picture anything else.

After the first year of sleep deprivation, trouble breastfeeding, severe reflux and spitting up, delayed milestones, and mixed in with the joy, the smiles, the firsts, the LOVE I felt for Emerson, I realized how naive I had been to think either of us would be perfect. Emerson's second year brought additional concerns, delays, laughter, fun, challenges, triumphs and a whole host of other emotions. Still not a perfect family. Our love for our son and proximity to him combined with inexperience caused us to overlook things Emerson needed help with. We didn't intervene as soon as we should have. We missed things that others who love him were noticing. We weren't finally ready to see Emerson completely for who he is until after we'd moved to Michigan. He was three years old, a whole and beautiful person that radiates with fun, intelligence, empathy, and leadership. He also resides on the spectrum of autism. We have had our share of heartache because of it, frustrations, confusion and even anger. But it didn't change our love for Emerson. He is now doing amazing things in Kindergarten: making friends, learning to read, following directions, having minimum melt downs, and he loves going to school. Autism is not something he will "grow out of" it is something as a family we will grow into. Sometimes it is painful, but I really wouldn't change it. He has come so, so far, and I know he will change the world because of all of the specific things that make him who he is.

A mother's heart is an incredible thing. Mine was elated when we learned that Emerson would be a big brother in 2011, but not long after we found out we were pregnant, we lost our baby at 8 weeks. I doubt the feelings that I had that day will ever leave me completely. Just like the birth of a child opens up a part of your heart and brings you joy you could not imagine, a miscarriage makes you feel betrayed by your body and vulnerable beyond belief, but with a new and profound understanding that none of this is under your control. I can say I have become closer to my Creator since our loss, and I'm trusting that His timing is perfect. My heart changed since our second child wasn't born, my life went on, and my broken heart grew because of it.

And little Sullivan. His arrival to this world was so smooth. Our transition to having another baby in our lives went swimmingly. He has developed in a neurotypical way, and has a smile for everyone he meets along with an occasional I'm-almost-2-let's-try-throwing-myself-on-the-floor-tantrum for me when I tell him no. We spend or days loving on the cats and Marley, running errands, me cleaning/him making messes, reading lots of books, chasing and tickling, avoiding naps, talking with puppets, throwing food on the floor and gigglng. All of the ordinary life of a toddler activities. And it brings me joy to have each day with him. But I will not be surprised if one day something Sullivan chooses to do, or not do, something he falls victim to, SOMETHING will break my heart. Without sounding terribly pessimistic or awful for thinking that with certainty, it's because I know my love for him. Anything that hurts him will hurt me. And here we all are living in this imperfect world, and even if the love I have for him is almost perfect, at some point my heart will chip, break, or shatter altogether because I do love him so much, and alas, his life will not be perfect.

Which brings me to Rose. And what brought me to tears last night and today. For Rose to be adoptable, there has inevitably been trauma in her life. We don't know yet what that is. Her birth parents might not have been able to care for her, they might have tried and failed. They might not have tried and the court had to remove her from the home. Her first family may not even be alive. She may have been abused, neglected, and at 14 she's going to have a lot of memories from her past experiences before she joins our family. We don't know the details. We are praying for the best possible scenario, and trying to educate ourselves on how to help Rose once she is with us. We know that loving her won't "fix" her. But I felt it for the first time last night. It will break our hearts. We don't know why God has called us to walk this path, but we know He will provide for us to do so. There has already been a change in our hearts, and there will be many more before we become a family of 5. And I know that there will be tears of joy and sadness when we unite with our precious daughter. I feel that God is preparing me to endure just a portion of the grief Rose has experienced, as we will hopefully find out more about her history this week (Along with her real name!!). Our daughter has come from a place of brokenness to bring her to the state of adoption. And although we don't know her yet, we feel called to welcome her into our hearts - because we too have come from a place of brokenness. Not from broken homes or broken families, but a broken world. And we have been united with Christ through his suffering so that we can be restored to a perfect place when we return to Heaven with Him. God is reaching us through this experience to seek out a child, open our hearts to her and give her the love that she deserves. It will break our hearts that our love will not be enough. But thankfully His love abounds!! I'm so eager to see how He will put these broken pieces together to make something truly beautiful.

Pam

The Freedom of Saying "Yes"

It's been a long time since I have said "yes" to God without questioning it, or trying to come up with a compelling argument for my timeline instead of His. He has continued to hear my prayers, work in my life, and given me endless grace as I fall down over and over again in my walk with Him. The result has made me a lukewarm Christian. I come close to doing God's will, but then I step away from it for my own convenience. He stirs in my heart in ways I cannot deny, but I don't drop everything and follow His directions. Perhaps I've been keeping myself busy with too many other things that are not nearly as important. Perhaps I haven't been putting myself where He wants me to go. Over three years ago I started writing about becoming a new creature. And until last month I've been basically the same. And I've finally realized that I'm going to stay the same until I start saying "yes" to God on a regular basis. He's been so patient with me!!

Can I do a little volunteer work in His name? Yes
Can I love my neighbors? Yes
Can I forgive those that have hurt me and ask for forgiveness myself? Yes
Can I get my butt to church? Yes
Can I love a child whom I didn't give birth to and venture halfway around the world to bring her home?.......Yes, but not alone God.

I'm not sure how that last one is going to play out exactly, and how all the pieces will fit together to make it happen. I know with my grace alone it will work about as well as a wet paper airplane. But with God's power, anything is possible. So I'm going to keep saying "yes" so I can find out what that anything can be!

An excerpt from my work three years ago:

           I walked out of my church service today with a warmed feeling, like the one you get after holding your hands near a campfire. It had been several weeks since I had attended, long enough actually for our Pastor to jokingly re-introduce himself to us before beginning to preach. His sermon was a tender one, about loving life. Not the “love fun, love yourself, love the world” message all around us daily, but actually loving the life you’d been gifted by your Heavenly Father and allowing Him to work through you in a purposeful way. It was a sermon about running the race, fighting the fight, loving life.

            I do love my life. All month I’d been focusing on things I was thankful for with no end to the list in sight. God has blessed me with a loving family, caring friends, a nice house, and plenty of money to travel and do the things I like. After the sermon I realized that the life I love is the one that revolves around me. The happiness and contentment I feel is from getting what I want most of the time. I have very little to complain about, and a lot to offer through sharing my blessings, but not much comes out of my existence, not nearly as much as is going in.

            I drift in and out of God’s will when it aligns with my own. And I convince myself that I’m too busy or not Christian enough to serve. The enemy agrees with me. Who would watch my son if I am busy helping others, who would make dinner for my family if I volunteered at Wednesday services like I used to, how would I feel missing an additional hour to sleep if I got up and helped with a Sunday school class? When it comes to volunteering at church I have serious commitment issues. I’m afraid they’ll ask more than I’m willing to inconvenience myself for, so I offer nothing. I used to get great satisfaction working with the 3^rd and 4^th grade Sunday school class. But I gave it up when I was pregnant with my son. I often felt bad, and didn’t want to be someone you couldn’t depend on, so I walked away from those children who I could have ministered to. My son will be three next month, I haven’t offered anything since. God has called me too many times, and I haven’t answered.

            This warm feeling after church felt good, I wasn’t especially convicted by any one part of the sermon, but I just felt near to God. I hadn’t realized how distant I had felt until I was in His proximity. I hadn’t noticed how my exterior had hardened when it was cooled away from the fire of the Holy Spirit. Time and time again it had happened to me, I’d spend a period of time pliable and workable so God could use me. The Bible opened up to me and poured out its’ wisdom. Prayer time was a deep intimate conversation. I would feel generous, energetic, and confident in the Word of the Lord.

            Today I went into church with none of those qualities. I didn’t feel like a member of the body, having been absent for so long. I had continued to pray, but mostly out of obligation and my Bible hadn’t been opened for weeks. I was cold and the warmth of the presence of the Lord felt good.  But what I have found is that I never let God completely ignite me with His flame. I don’t step into the fire to be consumed by His will. I stand on the outside warming my hands, feeding my needs, and when I’m just warm enough I walk away. Back to the cold world, without warmth to give away to others, just enough to keep myself warm until the next time I come back to Him. I am a lukewarm Christian. I’m never quite hot enough and never completely cold, but I act in a way that God hates. Over the last 3 years I have been stagnant, growing little and sharing little fellowship. I sit near people in church week after week and don’t know a 10^th of the names of the familiar faces around me. I don’t know their hurts, I don’t know their prayers, I don’t know any way in which to love or serve them. And that’s just the people at church! I don’t carry the fire of God out into the world to be a light to the lost and dying. I know enough to help, but I don’t have the faith to tell mountains to jump. I won’t let God have me completely.

            Yes, I have become more transparent as of lately with my family and friends and especially my husband. But when seeing the “real me” does little to bring others to the feet of Christ, why bother? I come and go as I please like a disobedient child and God blesses me anyway. I’m afraid to find out if God has plans to bring me to my knees to be all His. Is my heart so hard that God will have to break it to get inside? Why do I fear God’s will when I know that His plans for me are perfect? I know that He wants me to be His servant. I know that I can. But still I wander away from the flock into a dangerous world that chills me and takes away my conviction. And with good intentions, I occasionally come back to be fed and take what I need before I wander once more.

            And God pursues me to this day! Right now I have the warmth surrounding me and the Holy Spirit loosening my grip on the world. I feel Christ’s love and God’s amazing sovereignty and pray that each day I can step closer to the fire of it all until it consumes me and I can no longer walk away.

Revelation 3:16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. 

Pam

Me and the Boys Night

Pam decided to go to Indianapolis this weekend, and she has good reason to do so.  One of her BFF's recently gave birth to her second child, a darling healthy girl.  I know Pam has been really excited to meet her.  Fortunately, she will be back tomorrow.  So it's just me and the boys tonight. 

They are both in bed and fell right to sleep.  I must have worn them out.  So I thought I'd take a few minutes and blog a little bit.  Pretty uneventful evening really.  The boys always get more liberties when it's just me caring for them.  We all eat dinner while watching reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos.  I enjoy watching them both crack up over silly things, or simultaneously yelling "OOOUUUCHHH!!!", when they see someone get hurt.  Sully has picked up our catch phases very quickly, and he doesn't miss a beat.  Us boys don't get these opportunities very often, so I make it fun for all of us.  I'm usually the law enforcer around the house, and it's nice to let loose and have fun. 

Emerson is set on being strong and in shape, so he ran around and did exercises in reps of five.  These included, lunges, push-ups, squats, jumping-jacks, and one legged hops.  He's about 1% body fat, so I'm not sure what is driving his fitness regiment.  I do wish I had the energy and drive he has right now.  I'd be in a lot better shape.  Sully ran around finding random objects and tossing them in the air.  Several came right back down and hit him in the head.  He started making a game of it until the harmonica nailed him right in the temple with the sharp metal corner.  This led to the routine of putting him down for the night.

Earlier, our neighbor came by to grade our 1/4 mile long gravel driveway.  I provide him with lots of Salmon, and he grades our driveway.  It works out really nicely, especially since Pam doesn't like the look, touch, smell or idea of fish.  She thinks they are gross.  They probably think us air breathing, dry bodied, long limbed creatures, who trick them in to biting sharp fake fish are gross.  That doesn't stop the big ones from eating us... LOL. 

I gave him about 10lbs of salmon the other day when I asked him to do the work.  Today I asked if he needed more, and he said, "Yes!". 

I was kind of surprised that he went through 10lbs already, it had only been a couple days ago.  So I said, "Wow, it must have been good!". 

He said, "Yeuup (he's from the UP), It must have been......(long silence)......I left it in the bucket of the tractor, and the turkeys went to town on it." 

He has about 6 turkeys that are pets and wander around his property.  I didn't realize turkeys like raw fish, but I'm not surprised.  They'll peck at anything.  They were probably more interested in the plastic bag than the fish.  So I told him I'll bring some more over this weekend.

The boys sure enjoyed watching the tractor work.  They both love the sound of the 1950's era John Deere tractor.  Sullivan would have ran right under the tires if you let him.  Some things, like the fires on a Hibachi grill table, scare him to death, while others, like a 3 ton noisy tractor, are like moving lollipops. 

I don't have a lot to talk about relating to the adoption at this time.  We are waiting to hear back from the Bulgaria on final approval of our referral.  We can't start the home study until our agency has all the paperwork filed with Bethany, who is the organization who will do our home study and after adoption support.  Having the home study completed will open doors for us to apply for more grants, as it is a requirement for most grants and fundraising organizations. 

Being in the waiting phase of the adoption process has it's benefits.  It allows us to come back to reality, and to process the gravity of the situation.  We have contacted another family in Florida, who in the last year or so adopted a 14 year old Bulgarian girl, and we are anxious to speak with them.  They are not able to speak with us for a few weeks, as they are leaving next week to go back to Bulgaria to adopt another child.  They are living proof and testimony that it can work, which is nice to know.  We are very excited to speak with them about their journey.

The Decision To Adopt

We hadn't pictured the direction our life would be taking to journey halfway across the world to meet our daughter in Bulgaria. It's been a sharp turn to say the least!

Scott and I have two healthy wonderful sons and up until very recently, felt that our family was complete. While we've watched or boys grow from babies to now a kindergartener and toddler, the transitions have been bittersweet. But mostly sweet! I love getting to know each of them and see their personalities blossom, their talents emerge, and our love for them just grows and grows as they get bigger. Recently I had felt the call in my heart that our family was not quite there finished. But after enjoying our maturing sons, going through two difficult pregnancies and a miscarriage, I was certainly not experiencing "baby fever".

A few months ago I started a search using Rainbowkids.com. The little children from all over the world looked back at me through my computer screen and with a very guarded heart I made a short list of "saved kids" that I felt could fit into my family. None of the children were younger than our oldest son who is almost 6. I was not moved to action and I left the search for a few months and came back to check on some of the kids I'd viewed to see who was new or highlighted on the website. Sadly most of them were still listed. My heart was discouraged. There was no way I could make a difference for these kids. Many of them had special needs, they live so far away, oh and the big part, I didn't know if Scott was even on board with adoption!! These were my doubts before I even learned of the cost, commitment and time it takes to adopt internationally.  We weren't ready.  But my prayers started then. Intentional prayers asking God if this is the direction we should take.

Then again, Scott is on a business trip and I check back to see a few children have been placed, not many, but a few. It gave me great joy to know that these children, once orphans, would be welcomed into a forever home and loved by the parents they so desperately needed. That called me to inquire. I sent a generic few questions to two separate agencies about four children I had on my list. Two boys and two girls. That  seed God had planted in my heart for orphans became watered by my tears. I could no longer look at the pictures on the website without tearing up. Knowing that even if there would still be millions of orphans in the world, there should be at least one less because of our family. God had placed the burden on my heart to adopt, but the who, when and how was not clear at all.

The next day I got a call from an agency in Ohio that works to place European children. I was asked what I was type of child I was looking for. The truth is I didn't know. My list was growing by this time. Children from all over, boys, girls, healthy, challenged, with siblings, as young as 7 as old as 15.  I was all over the place. She mentioned "a lovely, smart, healthy young lady that is in desperate need of parents because she will soon age out of the system. Her name is Rose, she's 14, and from Bulgaria. I'll email you her details and a picture tonight." When I opened the email, there was a familiar face, a bright beautiful smile, a girl from my list.

I waited up for Scott to get home. It was late, but I wasn't tired. I'm never nervous to talk to Scott, this night I was. I felt so strongly about this, but the last time I had tried to talk to him about it, the subject was changed quickly and he never brought it back up. Neither did I. My prayers gave me the courage to bring it up again. I had asked God to call Scott as He's calling me so that his heart can understand what my heart is drawn to. That the mysterious seed of adoption that God planted in me would be planted in him too. But a big part of me was expecting Scott to say that our two healthy boys are enough for him (and how do you argue that?), that it's too expensive, too complicated, too dangerous. I poured my heart out to him anyway. What God was doing inside of me, how I didn't really understand it, or couldn't accurately describe it. How I felt like this might be the largest step of faith in my entire life and I am nervous. How I needed him to be a leader for me and our family in this, but I could never go through with it if it felt like I was forcing him to take a step he didn't want to take. When I finally stopped with my spiel and looked at Scott, the look on his face told me that God had been working in him too. He was smiling (smirking really - which is his adorable version of letting me know I was right - one of my favorite Scott expressions!)

He told me, "When you put it that way..."

Me, "You want to adopt?!"

Him, "I'm all for helping people."

"You want to adopt?!"

Him, "My biggest concern is how much it will cost"

"You want to adopt?!"

Him - that smirk again

"So?!"

Him, "I would do it tomorrow if I had $25k in our bank account."

"You want to adopt?!?!?!"

Him, "I want to adopt."

This was definitely the work of God!!!  The feeling is like seeing the positive pregnancy test. The swirl of emotions and excitement. Are we ready for this? How on Earth are we going to do this? Oh my goodness there is going to be another little love in our family! I love this man sooooo much. A complete torrent of joy and fear, anticipation and curiosity.  We still had no idea what adoption looks like, costs, when or how we would adopt. But our hearts met in a really sacred space for the first time in our marriage, a place where we knew we could love a child that wasn't born into our family. We'd have to find them.

The next day there just so happened to be a seminar in Grand Rapids about foster care and adoption in Michigan, so we went. Hearing the story of an adoptive father and his 3 sons was really incredible. The boys spoke about what it was like to be labeled "unadoptable". To be among those kids that are almost too old to be adopted, to have gotten in trouble because you have no guidance, to need help and never have anyone there to help you, when all you really wanted was a second chance and a hand to hold.

Through the entire meeting I could feel God giving me the courage to love a child that I didn't know yet. Someone that had lived a life of feeling unwanted or abandoned. Someone that just needed a second chance and a couple of people to love them enough to hold their hands. It didn't matter how far away they were.  It didn't matter if I didn't know what I was doing yet. Or that what I thought was an expense of "oh my goodness 25, 000 to adopt internationally?!?" is actually closer to 40,000. None of it mattered. We wanted to say yes to what God had called us to do.

That same night I spoke with Rose's placing agency again. We were made aware that there is urgency to adopt Rose. A very fast international adoption takes 12 months. She will be over 15 at that time. By her 16th birthday her immigration paperwork all has to be completed - the final steps to bring her home. If it's not, then she can't leave the country. This was Thursday, and the paperwork needed to be sent to the translator by Monday. We had to decide if we would sit on the ledge of this huge decision or if we would hold on tight to allow God to carry us through it when we saw no foreseeable means to get 40,000 in less than a year. Logic was telling us nope, it's not supposed to happen this way. Not this fast. Not without a plan. But God was telling us just to say yes. Say yes to what you can, when you can, and allow me to work.

The next couple of days were filled with prayer and we were in constant conversation about Rose. Is Rose meant to be our daughter? We'd learned more about her by this time, and even were able to see a few videos of her being interviewed in her native language. We tried to translate it using Google translator, with hilarious results. We just couldn't say no to Rose. We were falling in love with her. We were picturing her at dinner with us, at church, showing her new experiences in the US, giving her a pink room that she wanted, her bonding with our boys, us loving her. We couldn't say no, but we did. I email the placement agency and told them, we can't afford to do this now, it has nothing to do with Rose. We really want to bring her home, but we can't. I told them I'd circle back to them in a year when we had had some time to plan.

The nice safe logical answer gave us no peace. I'd been updating my close friends and family and it was so hard to tell them we'd said no to Rose's adoption. We were experiencing a loss without ever having a gain. God knew we needed certainty and this was it. We had to say yes to Rose, the reason that it felt like she would fit so perfectly into our family is because God is calling us to adopt her!! We spoke to the placing agency again, this time we said Yes. We have felt so much peace with those three little letters!

It was immediately time to jump into action. The last couple of days have been filled with paperwork, phone calls and research. Not to mention a couple of miracles thrown in. We still have no idea how to pay to fly to Bulgaria and back twice, pay their government 12,000 euros, pay for a homestudy, dossier, our second half of the contract with our agency, etc. But we have to only look at one thing at a time, one day at a time. The initial application fee was waived from $300  to $25 for National Adoption Month (yay!), and we found out we may be eligible to get up to 4,000 in grants since Rose is near aging out. Plus when we agreed to the contract we told them we cannot pay the entire fee at once, (It's $3500 - so we broke it into two parts). Then last night when we were reviewing the documents before they were sent to Bulgaria to be translated. The $3500 was marked out - now only $1750 no second payment required due to her age and circumstances. Thank you God!!

Now that big scary $40,000 is down to around $34,000. We said yes before we saved for this. Fell in love before we made sense of this. And took a step of faith to give credit to God Almighty to prepare a way for us to bring Rose home. It would mean so much to have the prayers of our friends and family as we walk this road. Please pray for Rose especially who has no idea that we even exist and want so badly to open doors for her to have a better life and a forever home. And if you have a donation that you feel comfortable making, I pray that you'll feel it's a blessing and not a burden. It would really mean so much to us. Thank you.

Pam and Scott Marsh (and Rose)

The Marsh Family

Thank you for visiting our blog.  This is the first of what we are sure to be many posts about our adventure in adopting a teenager from Bulgaria. 

We weren't sure how start the blog, so we figured it would be fitting to first introduce ourselves.  My name is Scott Marsh and I'm married to my lovely wife Pam.  We will be celebrating our tenth anniversary in June of 2016.  We have two wonderful biological sons, Emerson who is almost 6 and Sullivan who is almost 2. We live in a small rural community in West Michigan.  Pam is a stay at home mother, while I work as a construction manager. 

Emerson and Sullivan are the joys of our life.  As joyful as they are, as any parent can confirm, some days are better than others.  Emerson has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, and mild Autism.  Sullivan is a perfectly healthy, off the charts in size and weight, neurotypical little rascal, in a good way.  Emerson's condition has been challenging to say the least.  But, through these challenges comes strength and patience.  Recent therapy and diet changes have allowed us to see a new side of him, which has helped light the way in our hearts for adoption. 

Our decision to adopt came swiftly and powerfully through God's calling.  His calling came at a time when we were as far from him as we had been in some time.  When we moved to Michigan in 2013, from our home in Indianapolis, IN, we failed to find a new church.  We left a wonderful church in Indy, and despite visiting several churches in MI, we just couldn't find one that felt the same way.  We are naturally introverts, and we let our feelings get in the way of our spirituality.  Soon we gave up looking for a church and settled in to a lifestyle that didn't include church.  We still prayed, but we could tell we were just going through the motions.

Well, God has a way of getting out attention, and his timing is amazing.  Suddenly, we are searching for a church with feverish abandon, and longing to become apart of a new church family.  God grabbed our hearts and said, if we couldn't find the courage, He would give us a mission that would.  And here we are...already applied for an adoption, have a match, and watching the paperwork fly out the door.  With no money, no clue of what we are doing, and no expectations, we have accepted His call. 

It's an amazing feeling, that of just saying yes to challenges and joys that lay before us.  He has already blessed us in many ways just in the first few weeks.  The weight of the whole scenario is truly being carried by Him.  We have taken a leap of faith, and the calmness and serenity of the experience thus far has been surreal. 

Please follow us along on this journey.  We will post as often as we can find the time.  This blog will serve us well to document our journey, but more importantly, I hope it ignites the Holy Spirit in those who read this.  May they also be able to hear God's word and join Him on the journey He has planned for them.

God Bless,

Scott and Pam Marsh