The Freedom of Saying "Yes"

It's been a long time since I have said "yes" to God without questioning it, or trying to come up with a compelling argument for my timeline instead of His. He has continued to hear my prayers, work in my life, and given me endless grace as I fall down over and over again in my walk with Him. The result has made me a lukewarm Christian. I come close to doing God's will, but then I step away from it for my own convenience. He stirs in my heart in ways I cannot deny, but I don't drop everything and follow His directions. Perhaps I've been keeping myself busy with too many other things that are not nearly as important. Perhaps I haven't been putting myself where He wants me to go. Over three years ago I started writing about becoming a new creature. And until last month I've been basically the same. And I've finally realized that I'm going to stay the same until I start saying "yes" to God on a regular basis. He's been so patient with me!!

Can I do a little volunteer work in His name? Yes
Can I love my neighbors? Yes
Can I forgive those that have hurt me and ask for forgiveness myself? Yes
Can I get my butt to church? Yes
Can I love a child whom I didn't give birth to and venture halfway around the world to bring her home?.......Yes, but not alone God.

I'm not sure how that last one is going to play out exactly, and how all the pieces will fit together to make it happen. I know with my grace alone it will work about as well as a wet paper airplane. But with God's power, anything is possible. So I'm going to keep saying "yes" so I can find out what that anything can be!

An excerpt from my work three years ago:

           I walked out of my church service today with a warmed feeling, like the one you get after holding your hands near a campfire. It had been several weeks since I had attended, long enough actually for our Pastor to jokingly re-introduce himself to us before beginning to preach. His sermon was a tender one, about loving life. Not the “love fun, love yourself, love the world” message all around us daily, but actually loving the life you’d been gifted by your Heavenly Father and allowing Him to work through you in a purposeful way. It was a sermon about running the race, fighting the fight, loving life.

            I do love my life. All month I’d been focusing on things I was thankful for with no end to the list in sight. God has blessed me with a loving family, caring friends, a nice house, and plenty of money to travel and do the things I like. After the sermon I realized that the life I love is the one that revolves around me. The happiness and contentment I feel is from getting what I want most of the time. I have very little to complain about, and a lot to offer through sharing my blessings, but not much comes out of my existence, not nearly as much as is going in.

            I drift in and out of God’s will when it aligns with my own. And I convince myself that I’m too busy or not Christian enough to serve. The enemy agrees with me. Who would watch my son if I am busy helping others, who would make dinner for my family if I volunteered at Wednesday services like I used to, how would I feel missing an additional hour to sleep if I got up and helped with a Sunday school class? When it comes to volunteering at church I have serious commitment issues. I’m afraid they’ll ask more than I’m willing to inconvenience myself for, so I offer nothing. I used to get great satisfaction working with the 3^rd and 4^th grade Sunday school class. But I gave it up when I was pregnant with my son. I often felt bad, and didn’t want to be someone you couldn’t depend on, so I walked away from those children who I could have ministered to. My son will be three next month, I haven’t offered anything since. God has called me too many times, and I haven’t answered.

            This warm feeling after church felt good, I wasn’t especially convicted by any one part of the sermon, but I just felt near to God. I hadn’t realized how distant I had felt until I was in His proximity. I hadn’t noticed how my exterior had hardened when it was cooled away from the fire of the Holy Spirit. Time and time again it had happened to me, I’d spend a period of time pliable and workable so God could use me. The Bible opened up to me and poured out its’ wisdom. Prayer time was a deep intimate conversation. I would feel generous, energetic, and confident in the Word of the Lord.

            Today I went into church with none of those qualities. I didn’t feel like a member of the body, having been absent for so long. I had continued to pray, but mostly out of obligation and my Bible hadn’t been opened for weeks. I was cold and the warmth of the presence of the Lord felt good.  But what I have found is that I never let God completely ignite me with His flame. I don’t step into the fire to be consumed by His will. I stand on the outside warming my hands, feeding my needs, and when I’m just warm enough I walk away. Back to the cold world, without warmth to give away to others, just enough to keep myself warm until the next time I come back to Him. I am a lukewarm Christian. I’m never quite hot enough and never completely cold, but I act in a way that God hates. Over the last 3 years I have been stagnant, growing little and sharing little fellowship. I sit near people in church week after week and don’t know a 10^th of the names of the familiar faces around me. I don’t know their hurts, I don’t know their prayers, I don’t know any way in which to love or serve them. And that’s just the people at church! I don’t carry the fire of God out into the world to be a light to the lost and dying. I know enough to help, but I don’t have the faith to tell mountains to jump. I won’t let God have me completely.

            Yes, I have become more transparent as of lately with my family and friends and especially my husband. But when seeing the “real me” does little to bring others to the feet of Christ, why bother? I come and go as I please like a disobedient child and God blesses me anyway. I’m afraid to find out if God has plans to bring me to my knees to be all His. Is my heart so hard that God will have to break it to get inside? Why do I fear God’s will when I know that His plans for me are perfect? I know that He wants me to be His servant. I know that I can. But still I wander away from the flock into a dangerous world that chills me and takes away my conviction. And with good intentions, I occasionally come back to be fed and take what I need before I wander once more.

            And God pursues me to this day! Right now I have the warmth surrounding me and the Holy Spirit loosening my grip on the world. I feel Christ’s love and God’s amazing sovereignty and pray that each day I can step closer to the fire of it all until it consumes me and I can no longer walk away.

Revelation 3:16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. 

Pam