Thinking back to the times in my life I was pregnant, one thing that really stands out is the lack of sleep. An ever growing belly (occupied by one ninja and later one soccer player), back pain, vivid dreams, and middle of the night potty runs dominated my routine and I often felt TIRED. But the worst was when the baby was going through rapid growth, I'd wake up in the middle of the night starving and shuffle to the kitchen to find something to fulfill whatever craving had woken me. I couldn't always put my finger on just what it was that I wanted. Snacking on crackers or fruit would typically hold me over, but I really did not relish in the nauseating feeling of being so hungry, so empty, along with the feeling of being quite full (large and pregnant) and still longing for something that was no where to be found in my kitchen.
Fortunately those little boys who created new waking hours for me, both turned out to be pretty good sleepers. There are nights, such as this one, where I still have to wake to comfort one or both of them, chase away bad dreams, fetch a pacifier, or clean up something gross. But for the most part, I can count on a decent nights' sleep, and two pretty well-rested children in the morning. I'm so grateful that the "this too shall pass" moments of parenthood where my children or myself slept very little are really actually passing. And while there are other challenges dawning on the horizon of parenthood, I do typically sleep. Can I get a hallelujah?!?!
Looking back, I know it was God who sustained me during those periods of time as a new sleepless mom. When a two and a half hour stretch would somehow give me enough energy to take care of a willful 4 year old and a hungry infant. It took so much grace on His part to get me through those first few months! Yet, all the while, God worked to unraveled my old self, and poured into me a new kind of love. He transformed my heart into a mother's heart, bound by all of the beautiful moments He planned for us as I fell so deeply in love with my boys, and they learned to depend on me to meet their needs.
Of course I know that having Rose join our family as a 15 year old will look different. But processing that reality comes in phases. Recently, I had a moment of so much grief that it overwhelmed me. I grieve to not know Rose in the way I know my boys, I won't have held her in my arms as a tiny baby, nursed her, watch her take her first steps, listen in awe as her coos turn into words. I have missed her mischievous toddler years, her baby teeth, the chance to marvel as her sticky chubby cheeks melt away to leave her looking less like a baby and more like a young lady. Everything I know of my beloved boys, I will have missed for her. And here I am again, awake in the middle of the night with the yearning, the feeling of echoing hollowness missing something, combined with carrying the fullness of love and expectation. God has placed upon us this desire, this hunger to have Rose in our family. And as bizarre as it is to relate her adoption to a pregnancy craving...there is truth there. I so desperately want Rose to be here, although I have no idea what it will be like! I only know that I will but held over, but not be fulfilled until we meet.
During this time of waiting, I am confident that God's grace will be enough to carry us through. He has beautiful moments prepared for us, and His plan for Rose in our family will grow our love in ways I can't even imagine. He created my mother's heart, and I know He hears my prayers for Rose. I pray that all those moments we missed, sadly her entire childhood, she was loved and looked after. I pray that loving eyes met her gaze, and gentle hands cared for her. I pray that her needs were met, that no harm was done. I pray that she has happy memories, and has lived a life so far that is free from as much trauma as possible. I pray for God to sustain us both while we wait separately yet together for our next"this too shall pass".
