The initial shock has worn off that we have been called to adopt. But I tell you what, that first big hill on the rollercoaster is always the scariest! I felt a sense of movement, dropping, excitement, and thrill for almost 2 weeks after we said yes. I didn't even realize that I was caught up in that rush until I came back to earth, checked my bearings and realized that I was still alive! The night after night I was laying awake praying this was right for my family and wondering how we were ever going to pull this off have been replaced by dreams. Dreams of a girl in another country, whom I've never met and now feel myself falling in love with. The anxiety of how and when have been substituted by a steady tasks of what I need to do to get ready to meet my daughter.
I, like most people, am not a fan of waiting. But thank goodness that this process takes time!! I felt enough desperate conviction last month, that I would have hopped on a plane and "rescued" a lovely 14 year old Bulgarian girl who most likely would have felt she was being kidnapped by a crazy lady. These steps, these processes are like the phases of a pregnancy, and each one is important for preparation for a solid foundation of a lifetime together as family. I understand why God created us to have a long gestation period, it simply takes time to prepare yourself for a child! There's no way my whole family would feel ready if I found myself pregnant today and brought home a baby a month later. (Don't worry Scott if you're reading this!)
I still feel that drive of conviction, paired with the often shaky feeling of walking in unknown territory. But certainty has overshadowed doubt. And God has revealed to me that our daughter will be here in a matter of time. His time. Right now I need to keep saying yes like I promised, He will undoubtedly do all he promised and more. He wants us to be ready for her, and her to be ready for us. There will be times that waiting seems so hard, but each day I can be comforted knowing that the gap of thousands of miles between us gets a little smaller.
Pam
