Ninety-Nine and One

Tonight I was reading Emerson a Bible story before bed and it told about the parable of Jesus leaving the 99 sheep to search for the one that was lost. I had heard this story before, but of course, now everything takes on a new perspective since we are adopting. There's not a doubt in my mind that God has called us to do adopt. And of course the ultimate goal in my life is to become more like Christ, but I struggle. I struggle when I wonder what is going to happen to these other 99 "sheep" that I care for as we go to find the lost one.

Just like any other family, we have bills to pay, work to attend to, medical needs, children to raise. There are many other things on my plate, and to be honest with you, lately it's seemed pretty darn full. Many of you know that Scott travels for work. When he's out of town, I carry all of the responsibilities of looking after the kids and taking care of the house. And the travel this year has been intense. He's gone a lot. The adoption has added another layer to that with paperwork, home visits, and training hours. We're busy working to get Rose home, and prepare ourselves and our family to meet her. There are a ton of unknowns right now, and certainly more questions than answers. The paperwork comes in waves, and fortunately there's a lull, but occasionally we're drowning in it. I'm trying to learn to not fight the current, to float parallel to the shore, but it is against my planner nature. We have plans but cannot put them in stone while we wait for travel dates. And we have dreams but cannot get carried away, because oh so many doors must open and close before our daughter is home. Did I mention that we don't have the keys to some of those doors?!

We have things going on. Lots of things. And still our faith is calling us out to look for one more. Not just one more thing to fill our time, or take care of. One that BELONGS with us. As we've walked this road with Christ, sometimes we stumble. We're going to realize how far we are from home and get scared. We'll undoubtedly be overwhelmed and under prepared no matter how much we try. That soft still voice is calling us to go on this journey. We are weak and in need of guidance, and He provides it without fail. This process has been difficult at times, and we're not even to the tough part yet! BUT, I know that Rose will be a gift to our family. We are aligned and in love with her in a way that I do not fully comprehend. I know now that orphans are the ones worth seeking. Rose is our one. I'm learning that we need faith to reach her, and also faith to trust God to take care of the other sheep in our lives. Everything He has given me is part of His plan. There is depth, joy, vulnerability, grace and richness I am completely undeserving of in my 99.  My heart is filled with gratitude for the blessing this lesson has been to me and I cannot wait to rejoice with the one more to come.

What IF

Scott and I have been trying to prepare ourselves for the worst. With the excitement that comes along with having another child join our family, there is also the realization that it will be different this time. In so many ways: age, gender, experience, biology, language, culture, and the list goes on and on. We have been reading about attachment disorders, learning delays, trauma, institutionalization, abandonment, developmental delays, learning disabilities, fetal alcohol syndrome, foster care, and grief. We have been comparing and contrasting the differences between Bulgaria and the US, following boards from adoptive parents, reading blogs. There are many "what ifs" to be concerned about. There will most likely be a honeymoon period, followed by a looooong and possibly painful journey of attachment and integration. We have been preparing our hearts and minds for these things. Ready to love unconditionally, stick it out and get to the other side where things are "smooth sailing". Although I laugh even typing smooth sailing to describe parenthood. Just as one obstacle is figured out another rope slips, sail rips, or wave crashes over the bow. Little of our journey has been smooth sailing, but oh the joy that it brings! And the closer Scott and I have become since switching from partners to Captain, First Mate, and crew. Our own bio kids challenge us and delight us in ways that we were never prepared for. And while I want to have my eyes wide open and be ready to parent Rose the best we can, I need to remind myself to be patient and know that God has called her to our family for a reason. We will get through the honeymoon with smiles. We will get through the adjustment period hand in hand with tears in our eyes. We will know Rose, and love her in a unique way because God introduced us in a unique way. We will accept her if she's worse off, better off, shut down, or lashing out. We will walk beside her through her teen years doing the best we can with the little we know. We will trust God even if there's days that the bad "what ifs" add up to a whole lot of trepidation. And we will hope for the "what ifs" even if they take years to reveal themselves.

What if Rose will like to sit with me and watch girl movies when her Dad is out of town?

What if she enjoys shopping for lip gloss?

What if she sings at the top of her lungs in the car?

What if she plays with her little brothers?

What if she likes nice boys?

What if she picks pineapple for her pizza topping too?

What if she learns to love the Lord?

What if she shows us her beautiful smile every day?

What if she likes to curl up with a cat on her lap and lose herself in a book?

What if she likes to bake brownies with me?

What if she trusts us?

What if she wants to be our daughter?

What if she giggles with her cousins?
What if she leans into a hug?

What if she tries her best at school?

What if she loves us back?

We all have hopes for our kids before we even meet them. My hopes are up. My faith in God tells me that joy is coming. We will need to lean on Him, hope through Him, and fervently lift our prayers to Him. If you're reading this, please join us in praying for Rose. That she will not lose the hope that there is a family waiting to bring her home. A lot of prayers and a little hope go a long way.

Pam

Backseat Driver

Since we've made the decision to adopt, we're often asked why we are adopting, or why internationally? Scott and I fumble for answers that could sort of make sense conversationally to give to people, but as I hear myself speak the words, "It's something we felt we should do." or "We pictured having a bigger family." or even, "I can't quite explain why." the words don't sound right to me. They aren't the truth. 

The reason why we are adopting is because God asked us to. He first asked me. I asked Scott. Scott said not now. God asked me again. I brought it up to Scott, he still wasn't sold. God asked me again, and (perhaps even slightly frustrated) I started to pray for my husband to have his heart opened to love an orphan. And, as sassy as this sounds, I even entertained the thought, "Ok God, why don't you ask him!?" 

While I am now full of joy that being obedient to the Lord brings, and I can feel the love for my daughter growing even though 3 months ago I had no idea she'd ever be a part of my family, I can say with certainty that I was not the one steering when we ended up on this road. Neither was Scott. We did not have a struggle with infertility that landed us here, no longing to connect to Eastern European culture (I had to look Bulgaria up on a map), we are in the years of "parenting boys is not for the faint of heart" so we will both certainly have our work cut out for us when it comes to raising a 15 year old daughter who doesn't speak very much English. There were reasons for us to say no, not now, how come, why us? But for the first time, maybe ever in my life, I just said yes and trusted God with the details. God did, by the way, finally ask Scott too, and I hope He laughed off my temper tantrum.:) As a couple we said yes and got into the backseat of the car/plane/submarine whatever metaphorical vehicle that God drives and we get to say yes the rest of this amazing journey and trust Him to meet our needs and bring our daughter home safely. The good news is that it gets easier every time.

My own stubborn will, laziness, pride, whatever sin d'jour occasionally makes an obstacle in the way, and I don't want to bail, but I want to tell God to hurry up, take a short cut, or blow through a few lights. But I must remember: God knows exactly where He's going and we'll arrive at just the right time. I hope this post will serve as a reminder to re-examine what I know I should be doing when it is tempting to be a backseat driver, when in reality I just need to enjoy the ride.

Pam

Missing Home

Tonight when I was tucking Emerson in, we were talking about Jesus and he said something to me that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart rejoice and hurt at the same time. He told me, "I miss Jesus. I want to go to Heaven."

This especially struck a chord with me after my friend and I had just had a conversation yesterday about how she'd read that 85% of Christians that would choose to remain in their lives instead of going right away to Heaven. I felt the pang of guilt identifying with that majority. I love my life. Not my schedule, my house, the clothes I wear, or my hobbies. Loving life to me is my friends and family. They are what would keep me from wanting to walk through those pearly gates right now. The struggle is what I love most about my life is causing me to sin. My innocent 6 year old son has such a love for Jesus in his heart that he longs for Him. And while it gives me indescribable joy to think of Emerson being safe and perfect in Heaven, it also pains me to a level I can't fathom to think about my son's life being over. Again his childlike faith shined a light on my own short-comings. I should be missing Jesus like that! I should be anxiously awaiting his return. I should be hoping it's very soon so I can be in the arms of my Savior. And while I do want to be with Jesus, my eyes are not always on Him when they're looking elsewhere. I procrastinate, and busy myself with other work besides what God has commanded me to do. I grieve as much as I celebrate when a loved one goes to Heaven. I routinely put my friends, my family, and especially my kids and husband between myself and God. Even though I know, God wants to be first. Always.

A family in our community lost their 14 year old son 8 days ago in an accident. And while I didn't know this family personally, it really hit me hard to pray for his mother. For every mother who has walked in her shoes. We say things like, "if there's anything good about this, it's that he's in Heaven." Those words are antiseptic for our pain in a time of deep suffering. Holding on to the promises that God has given us has helped me through times of loss. But my sons? The tiny babies who I watched take their first breaths on this Earth? To lose them would result in a devastating earthquake in my life, and my faith. But hearing those words from Emerson tonight changed something for me. 

We are like the orphans in this broken world. We get discouraged, afraid, and lonely while we are waiting for our Father to bring us Home. Even though it is not meant to be all there is for us, we cling to the only life we know. We must embrace that our home in Heaven won't be a consolation prize after life on Earth. It will be a perfect place for rejoicing, reunion and most of all - deep, encompassing, eternal love. Let us love our children while we have them, and prepare them for eternity, so they will not be afraid of death. So they keep Almighty God first in their hearts and are eager for their "Gotcha Day" when they meet their Father in Heaven.

Welcome Home

Everywhere I glance, 

I see a loving face

My troubles are behind me

I won't need them in this place.

My body no longer hurts me, 

It is filled with gleaming light

I answer to a different name

Even new, it sounds just right.

I linger in the presence 

of my Savior's Amazing Grace

Like a friend He greets me

A smile on His face.

My old life was the beginning

In my last moment, I turned new

And I found this soul's longing

My Heaven, God, is with You.

Pam

Closing the Gap

The initial shock has worn off that we have been called to adopt. But I tell you what, that first big hill on the rollercoaster is always the scariest! I felt a sense of movement, dropping, excitement, and thrill for almost 2 weeks after we said yes. I didn't even realize that I was caught up in that rush until I came back to earth, checked my bearings and realized that I was still alive! The night after night I was laying awake praying this was right for my family and wondering how we were ever going to pull this off have been replaced by dreams. Dreams of a girl in another country, whom I've never met and now feel myself falling in love with. The anxiety of how and when have been substituted by a steady tasks of what I need to do to get ready to meet my daughter.

I, like most people, am not a fan of waiting. But thank goodness that this process takes time!! I felt enough desperate conviction last month, that I would have hopped on a plane and "rescued" a lovely 14 year old Bulgarian girl who most likely would have felt she was being kidnapped by a crazy lady. These steps, these processes are like the phases of a pregnancy, and each one is important for preparation for a solid foundation of a lifetime together as family. I understand why God created us to have a long gestation period, it simply takes time to prepare yourself for a child! There's no way my whole family would feel ready if I found myself pregnant today and brought home a baby a month later. (Don't worry Scott if you're reading this!)

I still feel that drive of conviction, paired with the often shaky feeling of walking in unknown territory. But certainty has overshadowed doubt. And God has revealed to me that our daughter will be here in a matter of time. His time. Right now I need to keep saying yes like I promised, He will undoubtedly do all he promised and more. He wants us to be ready for her, and her to be ready for us. There will be times that waiting seems so hard, but each day I can be comforted knowing that the gap of thousands of miles between us gets a little smaller.

Pam

A Bulgarian Teen's Story, One year after being adopted

The following is a letter written by a 14 year old girl adopted by an American family.  I ran across this while researching about Bulgarian adoption.  It was written by her one year after she was adopted.  It provides incredible insight on her point of view.  It has some very sad parts, some of them appear to be caused by failures of the adoption agency, but it has a good ending.  This has given us a better understanding of her perspective, what we need to be prepared for, and what we can do to make our adoption better.

Scott

by Constance Rose Weiss

born 9/1990, home 7/2004
 

The day when Jonathan and Laura to come to Bulgaria. I was scared and I think the American people fat, and make me scared. And I don't believe I be adopted by American people. I have a hard time to speak English to them. They tried speaking Bulgarian, it was hard for them. When they speak I can't understand anything. It's sound like funny. They speak Bulgarian silly.
 

When I was in my classroom, and the teacher came the school and calling me to the Orphanage Directors office. And I see Laura and Jonathan and I was scared of them. My advocate Toni took us to her apartment and we spend the night there together. We had pizza and Laura don't like the pizza because the pizza is goat cheese. Then after that I ask Jonathan for money. I go to store and buy bags of chips with toys inside. I didn't eat the chips, because I like the toys. And I did it ten times, and then he said, "No more".
 

The next day when to go to Sofialand Jonathan and me rode on a boat ride that went up and down. And after that we go to the haunted house. I rode on the swings that spin after that. And Jonathan takes my picture of that. He took lots of video also. Then they gave me a camera to take pictures with. I took lots of pictures of them and Sofialand on the Ferris wheel.
 

Later that day, we go to the theater, and watch a movie. X men 2. I liked the movie. After that Jonathan was laughing because on the men's toilets are little painted flies so the men don't pee on the walls. He think the fly is real!
 

We went to McDonald's and eat. I never get Mc Donald's so I ask for it. We eat at McDonald's every meal after that. After that we went to Toni's apartment and I go to bed. And I don't sleep, I pretend to sleep and I wake and I play and Jonathan come and call me into he and Laura's room to sleep next to them. And tell I bring my pillow and I sleep next to them, and I don't want to because I scared of them. And I said "no" and I said something in Bulgarian "ne ne ne" and I ran into my bed and went to sleep.
 

In the morning, we take a shower, dress and go to store, and buy clothes and music tapes. I feel happy and that is my favorite place to go shopping. Nobody had taken me out and I go shopping for clothes or toys or music tapes before. I was excited. Toni explained everything that Laura and Jonathan talk so I was not scared of them.
 

When I go outside me and Laura and Jonathan and Toni, to the store buy me long skirt. And my friend who works in the store was happy for me because I am adopted for American people.

The next day was a sad time. Laura and Jonathan went home to America and I had to stay in Bulgaria till my adoption is finished. I waited for 14 months. It was hard, and sad. I think they never come back to Bulgaria. One day Laura and Jonathan call me on the phone Toni is explaining everything what Laura and Jonathan talk to me. And English is hard to understand, what they said. They said, Hello, I love you and I miss you, and Laura cried. I tried to speak in English to them I said "Thank you people", and "I love you" to them, and had Toni ask them when they come for me.
 

On June 25th, I have a court date for my adoption day. My Birth Mom, and me had to see the judge. And she tell judge don't like me. And give me away for adoption and I was very sad and happy at the same time. I was sad because my birth Mom don't like me, and I like her so much, and she tell me I should die. And that make me sad because she don't like me. I was happy because I was going to America and have new family. I was scared Laura and Jonathan would not love me.
 

When Laura and Jonathan come to the orphanage to get me one month after, I run and jump into Laura's arms. And I think I hurt the baby, because when she come before she was pregnant and I think the baby was still in her stomach and I jump and scared I hurt the baby head and I was scared, After that I jump into Jonathans arms, and after that I turn around and hug Toni, and her father and I said thank you, and after that I turn around and I look in the car and I see a little baby. And I ask, "Who is that baby? "And Laura and Jonathan said "that's your little brother". And I see the baby and the baby is too white and I think the baby is sick and ask Toni "The baby sick?" And Toni said, "No, it's not sick, American people's baby are white"
 

And I give my friends juice and candy and we talk and some of the kids sang, and some cry. And I'm crying. When I leave my teacher throw water on the ground for me to walk on the stairs and said " May your travel be as easy as your walk across the water."
 

Then we go to the Hotel Odajyiski. And I order coke and jerk and cheese. I watch a lot of TV music shows and TV shows. I was happy, but I was afraid. They took me for my visa pictures and a doctor and shopping for clothes. Laura and Jonathan bring me clothes but they didn't fit so we had to buy all new ones in Bulgaria.
 

Then we go to Airport and Airplane for 29 hours on the plane. I was angry I could not talk anything in English, and I think my adoption day is Laura and Jonathan would come and live in Bulgaria I didn't understand I would go to America. I think American people are weird.
 

My new grandparents meet me at the airport. And my grandparents give me roses, and go to their house and spend the night and after that we go to the store and buy a lot a lot of new clothes. And I was excited because I never before see American stores or American people. And all the people talking American. And I'm one person who talking in Bulgarian and I can't understand anything where my grandma and my Mom saying.
 

When I go to my new house, my house is a big mess with a lot of toys. And I can't believe my Mom its' no clean the house when I come to America. I go to my own and I was happy because I never had my own room, my whole life I had to share my room with a lot of girls and it was a happy day to have my own room. And I had a lot of toys. And I had toys on my bed and I have a pretty scarf for my bed and I like my new bed and my new room. And the bed was comfortable. The orphanage bed is too small and dirty. When I meet my new brothers and sisters and I think my family is like weird, because I never before have a family. I thought Judy was a strange girl, when I see her the first day, and I think she was pretty and I like her, but I sometimes I don't like my family. When I am angry or scared.

When I met Micah I think he was strange boy, because his room was lots of K'nex and I had never seen K'nex before and didn't understand they were toys. I just think he had lots of little sticks in his room. My little brother Izzy 2 years old run up me and said "That's my Kostadinka' and I pick him up. I like the baby, he is small and don't speak English and no speak Bulgarian, just baby, and he likes me.
 

My moms' friend Auntie Sandra babysat the children when Mom and dad come to Bulgaria to get me. Then she stayed for three months after to help with everything.
 

Now I've been in America almost one year. And I go to school. And I am happy, I go to school, it's interesting. School in Bulgaria was very different.
 

Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't like me and sometimes I feel mad or angry and I can't understand why I was adopted. I feel guilty I was adopted and more children are not adopted. I miss my friends in the orphanage but I'm happy to have a family.
 

[Note from Constance's mom: "I hope that other families thinking of adopting teens will get encouragement from this. When you decide to adopt an older child or, God forbid, a teen-ager, people are too quick to tell you how crazy you are. I want to encourage people to do it, because as tough as it is, it is just as wonderful! My daughter wrote this as an assignment in her ESL class. She chose to write her whole adoption story. I typed it for her as she spoke so it is in her broken English, but it is truly beautiful and very honest. I asked her if it was OK to send to you to share with other adopted families and she got really excited. I hope you enjoy it. Email Constance's mom, Lolo.]

Broken Pieces

Last night it hit me, and today it hit me again. I'm going to have my heart broken. This is not something I really thought of before Emerson was born. At that time parenthood looked like an exciting journey, a turning point in my life and in our marriage. But, I will admit, many of my sensibilities were clouded by adorable tiny socks and onesies, the ups and downs of pregnancy, the picking of a name, painting the nursery, and HOPE. The hope that my son or daughter would be this perfect little person and that I would be the best Mom in the world to them. I didn't picture anything else.

After the first year of sleep deprivation, trouble breastfeeding, severe reflux and spitting up, delayed milestones, and mixed in with the joy, the smiles, the firsts, the LOVE I felt for Emerson, I realized how naive I had been to think either of us would be perfect. Emerson's second year brought additional concerns, delays, laughter, fun, challenges, triumphs and a whole host of other emotions. Still not a perfect family. Our love for our son and proximity to him combined with inexperience caused us to overlook things Emerson needed help with. We didn't intervene as soon as we should have. We missed things that others who love him were noticing. We weren't finally ready to see Emerson completely for who he is until after we'd moved to Michigan. He was three years old, a whole and beautiful person that radiates with fun, intelligence, empathy, and leadership. He also resides on the spectrum of autism. We have had our share of heartache because of it, frustrations, confusion and even anger. But it didn't change our love for Emerson. He is now doing amazing things in Kindergarten: making friends, learning to read, following directions, having minimum melt downs, and he loves going to school. Autism is not something he will "grow out of" it is something as a family we will grow into. Sometimes it is painful, but I really wouldn't change it. He has come so, so far, and I know he will change the world because of all of the specific things that make him who he is.

A mother's heart is an incredible thing. Mine was elated when we learned that Emerson would be a big brother in 2011, but not long after we found out we were pregnant, we lost our baby at 8 weeks. I doubt the feelings that I had that day will ever leave me completely. Just like the birth of a child opens up a part of your heart and brings you joy you could not imagine, a miscarriage makes you feel betrayed by your body and vulnerable beyond belief, but with a new and profound understanding that none of this is under your control. I can say I have become closer to my Creator since our loss, and I'm trusting that His timing is perfect. My heart changed since our second child wasn't born, my life went on, and my broken heart grew because of it.

And little Sullivan. His arrival to this world was so smooth. Our transition to having another baby in our lives went swimmingly. He has developed in a neurotypical way, and has a smile for everyone he meets along with an occasional I'm-almost-2-let's-try-throwing-myself-on-the-floor-tantrum for me when I tell him no. We spend or days loving on the cats and Marley, running errands, me cleaning/him making messes, reading lots of books, chasing and tickling, avoiding naps, talking with puppets, throwing food on the floor and gigglng. All of the ordinary life of a toddler activities. And it brings me joy to have each day with him. But I will not be surprised if one day something Sullivan chooses to do, or not do, something he falls victim to, SOMETHING will break my heart. Without sounding terribly pessimistic or awful for thinking that with certainty, it's because I know my love for him. Anything that hurts him will hurt me. And here we all are living in this imperfect world, and even if the love I have for him is almost perfect, at some point my heart will chip, break, or shatter altogether because I do love him so much, and alas, his life will not be perfect.

Which brings me to Rose. And what brought me to tears last night and today. For Rose to be adoptable, there has inevitably been trauma in her life. We don't know yet what that is. Her birth parents might not have been able to care for her, they might have tried and failed. They might not have tried and the court had to remove her from the home. Her first family may not even be alive. She may have been abused, neglected, and at 14 she's going to have a lot of memories from her past experiences before she joins our family. We don't know the details. We are praying for the best possible scenario, and trying to educate ourselves on how to help Rose once she is with us. We know that loving her won't "fix" her. But I felt it for the first time last night. It will break our hearts. We don't know why God has called us to walk this path, but we know He will provide for us to do so. There has already been a change in our hearts, and there will be many more before we become a family of 5. And I know that there will be tears of joy and sadness when we unite with our precious daughter. I feel that God is preparing me to endure just a portion of the grief Rose has experienced, as we will hopefully find out more about her history this week (Along with her real name!!). Our daughter has come from a place of brokenness to bring her to the state of adoption. And although we don't know her yet, we feel called to welcome her into our hearts - because we too have come from a place of brokenness. Not from broken homes or broken families, but a broken world. And we have been united with Christ through his suffering so that we can be restored to a perfect place when we return to Heaven with Him. God is reaching us through this experience to seek out a child, open our hearts to her and give her the love that she deserves. It will break our hearts that our love will not be enough. But thankfully His love abounds!! I'm so eager to see how He will put these broken pieces together to make something truly beautiful.

Pam